


The innefable part of the plan

by eVeRy_LoGiN_hAs_BeEn_TaKeN_dUdE



Category: Good Omens (TV)
Genre: Adventure, Angel/Demon Relationship, Aziraphale is "just enough of a bastard to be worth knowing" (Good Omens), Be Careful What You Wish For, Canon Gay Relationship, Car Accidents, Crowley Was Not Raphael Before Falling (Good Omens), Crowley is Bad at Feelings (Good Omens), Crowley is a Mess (Good Omens), Demon Children, Demon Deals, Demon Summoning, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Gabriel is Bad at Feelings (Good Omens), Gay Panic, Gen, I Can't Believe I Wrote This, Married Anathema Device/Newton Pulsifer, Mild Language, Mischief, My First Work in This Fandom, Narrator God (Good Omens), Oh My God, Snakes, Soft Crowley (Good Omens), Stargazing, What Have I Done, What-If, Work In Progress
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-02-08
Updated: 2020-02-08
Packaged: 2021-02-19 15:29:04
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 15
Words: 27,504
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22613095
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/eVeRy_LoGiN_hAs_BeEn_TaKeN_dUdE/pseuds/eVeRy_LoGiN_hAs_BeEn_TaKeN_dUdE
Summary: After what happened in the events of the failed Armageddon Satan is depressed, God is not answering any calls regarding on what to do now and both angels and demons are still hungry for war, including two certain leaders that are specially bitter after the trials of the traitors that are now completely out of the big picture because the plan is indeed "innefable" and a dead end has been reached.What will they do to make things right again? Well of course, a conference. This is the 150th one so far."-The Lord of hell iz not up to being dizzonoured again! If I ask him to make another son he'll squashz me.-"  Beelzebub exclaimed while crossing her arms and pouting, the flies ran in circles around both, panicking.Gabriel's face scrunched, yet a mischievous smile appeared beneath his smug features."-That bad?-"It all started with that iconic smile, that suave way of talking that could tempt any demon into doing the unforgivable. Gabriel was bored and tired, he just wanted to do things right for once but nothing goes the way one wants which is why the plan was so... innefable. It was planned to fail since the very beggining.
Relationships: Anathema Device/Newton Pulsifer, Aziraphale/Crowley (Good Omens)
Kudos: 4





	1. Author notes

**Author's Note:**

> English is not my first language, any spelling mistakes are either made for the character or not done on purpose.
> 
> Beelzebub has mostly "z" in between words
> 
> God's speech will be in itallics
> 
> Gabriel is a misundrestood prick but not the villain. There is no villain, the situation is bad enough

Hello everyone,  
This is my first fanfic and I am not sure how this works so this "first chapter" is just me setting up and getting used to this. To not leave this space blank though I will make clear some points that I would like you all to know.

\- I don't know how many chapters it will be. I'm still figuring everything out but the key scenes are written down.

\- I have not read the book. I only watched the TV series of Good omens so there may be some points in which I am wrong and you may say "hey that's not book canon" and that's fine. Correct me if I'm wrong.

\- For some characters I am just making things up as I go and trying to keep the story stable so it all makes sense and it looks solid.

\- I have created an extra character but it won't be the ultimate center of this story at all, it's just an extra, the story itself revolves around the original canon characters that I have listed above.

-Any warnings will be written on the notes for the chapter that deserves such warning. There is obviously spoilers so if you haven't read or watched Good Omens you won't understand what is going on. Please watch it first (this is what I believe happened AFTER the failed attempt of armageddon afterall)

\- To stick to the original (TV version) as much as possible the only clear and obvious relationship is between our favourite snake boi and his angel boyfriend BUT there is some Gabriel and Beezlebub pinning if you squint veeeeery much. It's never made clear and it's never made obvious. This is not a self-indulgent fan fiction, it's mostly innocent comedy and gay panic coming from our main protagonists that can't seem to have a break when protecting earth.

\- This story is based AFTER the armageddon. (Or after the last episode of TV good Omens)

\- There is no war. Nobody suffers. No torture. Calm down.(maybe a couple of accidents)

-Aziraphale can and will swear. More than Crowley.

\- On my head, when Adam decided that Satan wasn't his father, he stole all the powers of hell from him so Adam TECHNICALLY is still the antichrist but chooses to be a regular human voluntarily. 

\- please don't be rude in the comments section. I love to read your comments.

\- You have full permission to do fan art of this story as long as you credit.


	2. Mother nature

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Well SOMEone has a good idea  
> A single. Better. Idea

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> God doesn't narrate this chapter because it happens in hell and She's not there so She doesn't know what is going on right now. Clearly She doesn't know about the conferences either. 
> 
> Satan is too depressed to narrate his bit so I'll do it. He doesn't mind visitors anyways.

There was a rancid smell in the room, in fact, every room and every passageway was like this but this one smelled worse in particular. It was the trial room, far away from Satan's whines and grumbles that are able to shake the ground and bring shivers to every "living" being (if you could call them that, some act mostly like zombies) all the way up nine floors. 

So he's loud. Anybody could hear him coming from a mile away.

Many had died in this room. The smell that comes from vaporizing demonic flesh is not one Gabriel likes, not even when it's mixed with holy water, but Gabriel doesn't like many things. As many would say down on earth, he's...missing out.

Right now Gabriel looked disgusted towards the glares that he recieved from the glass windows behind him. Most times he looked at the demons through the corner of his eyes, but today the air felt a bit more tacky. The demons were restless.

"-Are they always like this?-" Gabriel asked as his finger pointed towards the lost souls in circle motions. He silently hoped that their heads would follow his grace like cats following a laser but sadly his experiment ended when the blinds miraculously uncurled down by themselves loudly and the angel leader once again met his eyes with the leader of the opposing side that sat across him with her elbows against the table, clearly uncomfortable. Beelzebub's grimy finger pointed straight towards his clean shaven face and pristine hair. It was bad enough that they had to deal with the other, but looking and speaking for hours, the two of them, TOGETHER, now that was just draining.

"- back to businezz.You are wasting our time.-" She snapped. The archangel huffed.

"- YOU wasted our time for long enough. I don't have to be here in this...dumpster town if we make nothing out of it.-" 

The demon leader didn't comment about him voluntarily coming here instead of making the conferences somewhere else.

"- Think then! Use your head, or halo, whatever you angelzz have. You are always zaying that angels have better ideazz.-"

"- We do. It's in our nature.-" Gabriel sassed, and the demon leader honestly couldn't take much more of this. She could not handle another conference of his smug, his punchable face, too much. It is true that demons and angels have a different nature, while angels are more forgiving a regular demon could hold onto a grudge for over a millena.

"- Prove it then.-" Beelzebub barked, and Gabriel stiffened on his seat. At least hell is decent enough to have chairs, but still. His sass could not be contained by a single chair, he needed at least four pairs of wings to lift it.

"- Why do I? We clearly have more resources up there than you have here. I mean.... a bathtub? Really? It's not even funny.-" Gabriel chucked, his hand raised towards the bathtub of trials sitting empty in a corner, that thing alone killed many but proved to be different to the snake demon. Crawley they call him.

Beelzebub's face scrunched as her eyes squinted towards the hygenic insult that could be added to the bucket list that remains empty of good ideas. If there was a swear jar it would be full by now. The flies around her ironically went in panicked circles, showing the rattled emotions of it's master.

"- QUIET.-" The demon leader yelled as she stood and banged her hands on the table. Her voice echoed and Gabriel pressed his hand dramatically agaisnt his ear, his face squinted as if he were in pain when it was mostly drama. He hated hell.

"- Urgh.-" 

"-Satan is not up to being dizzonoured again! If I ask him to make another son he'll squazh me." She barked, yet there were true emotions behind her words, so much that Gabriel felt a distant pity? It's in his nature, that's what he always tells to himself, though most times is for self benefit.

"-That bad?-" He asked with a mischiveous grin hiding under his smug features that tried and failed to show any sort of sympathy whatoever.

"- We all want the world DESTROYED! We want to fight but we can't. That boy waz the key to everything!" 

"-Adam.-" Gabriel commented, and the demon leader huffed as she calmed from the outburst and slowly sat down again, still angry. Demons can't keep their cool for long if they are angry, outburst are prone to happen, it's in their nature.

"-Who carez what hizz name is?-" 

"-It makes sense does it?-" Gabriel wondered out loud to himself, for once his eyes were frozen and dozing off. He was thinking!

"- What does?-" Beelzebub demanded, a bit curious if anything. Gabriel's face suddently became ten times more punchable.  
"- It all started when Adam and Eve...-" He started, with all his might and glory, but here in hell nobody gives two craps about it and of course, he was gracefully interrumpted mid-sentence before things got boring.

" Nonono.-" 

Which left Gabriel with his mouth half-open, staring at his rival leader with his eyebrows perked up.

"- It all ztarted because the one with the flaming zzword decided to guard the kid instead of guarding whatever he waz supposed to guard with it. It's all your side's fault. We all zzaw it.-" 

Damn right.

"- Your stupid demon messed up up the plan in the end so it's your side's fault. Aziraphale is stupid enough by himself to get tempted by demons like you.-" Gabriel snapped back, then there was silence and suffering sounds in the background (Obviously) louder than flies buzzing.

"-Well now they are both untouchable...and ztupid.-" 

"- We don't even know what they are. I think they are the innefable part of the plan.-" Gabriel muttered, clicking his toungue. A bit of his saliva dropped on the table, and it sizzled upon contact.

"- Zo what is the point of thizz? If Satan weren't killing one of uzz every week to feel better with himzelf I would say I'm wazting my time with you.-" Beelzebub exclaimed, then paused and squinted her eyes at him, at his punchable perfect face.

"-Oh wait."

"- Shut up. I had an idea.-" Gabriel barked, but quickly shifted back into focus. The silence was... unnerving.

"-Well?-" The demon leader asked rudely. She's the only being Gabriel seems to communicate well for some reason. 

"- Rather than do what we are supposed to do, which is nothing because there is no plan anymore, we close the book and make another one better with a plan not innefable. We can start all over again. Go back to day one and do things right.-" Gabriel spat way too quickly, his face becoming more smug and...evil? That's funny, really.

"- Are you thick!?-" the demon snapped, yet the angel remained still, for once listening to feedback. "- How can you be her favourite mezzanger and ztill not get the mezzage right?! " 

That was a low blow, but since these conferences started, a certain demon leader has been wondering how things might be going upstairs, including on his angelic small head that gets more twisted every time. Gabriel proposed more torture as divine punishment and he was even a worst Godfather than Crowley.

"-The fact that I am who I am the reason why She'll listen to me like I have always listened to Her like it or not. In my high position, rather than bore ourselves with these fucking pointless conferences, if I have a plan that can be made and could work, She'll like it and make it THE plan which will end up in us fighting the war at the end. The end. -" 

Beelzebub would never hear such jibber jabber in less than a minute from anybody, but that...wasn't half bad. That would cheer HIM up for sure.

"- And what makez you think I will like your plan?-" She asked, raising up her head. The flies always swoomed but this time some sat still on the table and brushed their small little hands.

"- Depends on how much you hate me.-" Gabriel whispered, mouthing his words that shocked all the flies in the room. 

"- Afterall we don't agree in anything unless it's part of a plan." He added, and forgot to say "Like when we tried to tell your little brat what to do but he didn't." but he kept that shame to himself, the blow was thrown.

"-There are ztill traitorz on the loose that we cannot kill and the kid hazz the powerz of hell and the hellbound. How iz you plan going to destroy it all?" Beelzebub demanded, slowly getting more curious and more angry. Demons hate being lowlifes, they need a feeling of power over someone, at least one.

"- My plan won't destroy, it will prove to be better.-" Gabriel stated so confidently that he forgot something important on his final word. He just claimed to be better than Her. Good thing he's in hell and She's not listening, because the demon leader just did and Beelzebub's mouth opened and quickly closed so one of her flies wouldn't nest in there again. 

"-It won't happen on earth. I will test it separately first, in the place where it all started, far far away from you disgusting looking creatures.-" He said then with a smile, feeling the power of being the only voice in the room. Damn it felt good.

"- Your attitude izz dizgusting.-" His enemy growled in return, her eyes filled with both hate and admiration. She knew making the conferences here would be helpful, hell breaks anybody's spirit.

"- I will be in need of your hellish assistance whoever. -" He demanded, obviously taking that for granted. 

The face that beelzebub did in return was enough to end this conference for now because Gabriel excused himself away from demonic grounds immidietly, laughing of course, he would never allow himself to touch her and he knew that hand was going for the collar. What is said in hell stays in hell. Sadly Beelzebub never got to hear what the plan actually was, her grimy hand got a hold of nothing and accidentally slapped one of her flies in the process of trying to grab that sassy archangel and failing. The demon leader was left alone in the conference room. An angry squeal scared away any demons that could be lurking or eavesdropping near the "office" 

Gabriel went back to heaven HQ thinking that not in a millena they would've moved forwards if it were for them. Demons. Gabriel has always been sure of angels being smarter in having ideas and making plans.**

Back on earth, the middle place, Aziraphale sneezed inside his shop, luckily he cautiously closed the book in time even though this is something he would never feel or see coming. This was a surprise.

"- What wass that? -" Asked a familiar voice, Crowley sat in the seat infront of him. This is first time he has seen his angel rattled since the failed apocalypse.

" Ah...dust. I think." The angel muttered, then sniffed and went back to his reading with unease that lingered in the room for a while. Dust huh? His angel had gone soft. Though, Aziraphale didn't want to tell Crowley that a sneeze is a signal that somebody is talking good about him, angels don't just sneeze, they are sensitive and feel things, they feel other's greater presence and it affects them.

For his safety of paranoia he didn't check what angel thought well of him, it's not like he would've ever guessed.

\----------------------------------------------------------------------  
**On my mind, it's Aziraphale the one who told Crowley the idea of "changing" the day of their trials.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Cliffhanger!
> 
> I wonder what Gabriel is planning...


	3. The apple and the tree

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The plan starts but there's consequences a certain archangel is not ready to handle.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> God doesn't narrate this chapter. It's Sunday!   
> Let her have a day off.

It's Sunday. Today She rests. Everybody knows that, but she hasn't been answering anybody for months now.

It has been such a long time he had not seen this, this forbidden yet beautiful place where it all started, but sadly such place was caged inside a room like a big terrarium with no living animals and no glass windows for visitors to see inside. A big sign stared back at him, red letters written in hebrew, latin and english decorated the paper. ( the english was in the smallest font possible because whoever wrote this sign ran out of space)

**[Eden Park closed. Please do not enter]**

Gabriel chuckled and softly straigtened his suit and tie, he made sure his body, his temple, looked physically presentable. Always. Afterall, he was given a body that could discorporate easily but it was worth more papers than he could count, his tasks were more special than others too, or that's what it felt like to him. Special, unique, essential... Of course She'll listen to him, she had to! They had been doing nothing for months! Gabriel had to go down to hell to figure what to do next for heaven's sake!

He cleared his throat and entered the park that's off-limits without hesitattion, being careful of his step too, yet he couldn't help but wince a bit when his polished clean shoes made squishing sounds below his soles due to the mud and unkept greenery that surrounded him.

"-Urgh.-" He hushed while his face grimaced, but he decided to not think about that for the time being. Just ignore it and move forwards...the tree of knowledge can't be too far now.

_What is it that brings you here Gabriel?_

There She was. He knew She would be here. If she wasn't responding to any messages from anybody then this is the only place where She could be, where no message by itself could reach further than the automated secretary response, only the messanger himself could speak to her now, and he straightened and stiffened under the bright light that the tree of knowledge was shadowing. Gabriel knew very well the mistake he did while entering here with his best clothes, this mud would take more than a miracle to clean, but he had to start his idea ASAP, he needed a purpose, a plan.

Something.

"- My Lord, I came here to inform you that our forces are becoming restless and... after many, many complaints I had an idea to start the war agaisnt hell but I am in need of your permission and approval to step forwards as leader.-"

_Are you questioning the plan?_

Gabriel slowly became more anxious by the minute, infront of Her there is no act that he could perform, this was him being himself, out of his cool, smug and sassy façade.  
"- I would never do that! Your plan is perfect! I am only requesting to re-start it from this point where I start now, with new participants that are not...traitors...in the end, as they are now. Your plan has been tampered with, and I am merely begging to correct that mistake by never making it happen in the first place.-"

_I would never leave you or anybody stranded. You are asking for too much._

"- Too much?! But it's...I need...I...-" Gabriel stuttered and stammered on his words, what was he thinking coming here to speak of business on a Sunday?

What can he ask for? Another flood? No. A new messiah? No that didn't go that well last time. Scratch the antichrist destroyer of worlds plan of hell (which was their best plan as far as Gabriel knows.)   
So what next? She can't be wrong, he can't just come here and prove GOD wrong but Gabriel refused to believe he was wrong too. He made a plan!  
He only wants to be listened, to do the right thing, to do something else other than passing on the damned messages. Why isn't anybody seeing the bigger picture?!

Sweat curled down his pristine face that wasn't as good-looking as usual. His face had scrunched too many times and paleness started draining him of colour. Gabriel felt he was dancing on a tightrope.

"- I would like another chance. Grant me a month...no, a week! to show you what I am capable of, and we shall speak again. Please.-" He begged, prayed, which is something he hardly does seriously. Such respect coming from him is unusual and painful to see at the same time, it takes a toll on his ego. God may love everyone equally, but Gabriel's choosing of words did pull a couple heartstrings. 

_I shall grant you time, and I will oversee your petition as long as you don't tamper the plan._

"- Thank you.-" He sighed, his dry lips curled into a smile, a relieved nervious one. 

The new plan had officially commenced.

_But I warn you Gabriel, if anything goes wrong you will be revoked of your duties as messanger._

Which means Gabriel would not be able to just "find her" as easily and there would be no more private meetings like these, no more being a leader and passing on messages. That hurt, but not as much as the fact that he shouldn't even be here in the first place. Nobody should be allowed inside the garden.

_You are aware you shall pay for all the damage your plan may produce to others too. Be wary to not be tempted in the wrong path, only you can strand yourself._

"- I would never. -" He responded way too quickly, thus closing the promise without having even processed Her words. His eyes that looked up were partially closed now because the bright light that glowed as much as the sun itself intensified, and then left with a warm breeze that swoomed over him.  
The light dimmed to nothing but a shimmer as bright as a light-bulb, and Gabriel was left alone.

Like he requested, a single and beautiful red apple had grown from the tree, one that contains the knowledge of the whole universe, a power that nobody but humans would understand. A chance that Gabriel wouldn't allow to waste.

"- I shall be the one looking over the guardian of the gate this time. -" He thought while menacingly thinking of Aziraphale that was chosen for this task. A choice that Gabriel secretrly dissagreed on since day one, especially the sword bit. Why would She grant him a flaming sword of all things?

****

Aziraphale shivered. It wasn't even that cold, the wind wasn't strong enough to blow the bits of bread away as he and Crowley fed them to the hungry ducks infront of them. The demon shot his angel a look, one the angel knew too well but he said nothing and acted as if nothing had happened. He kept making miracles so the bread wouldn't end and he would not have to talk about it.

"- Are you alright?-" Crowley asked seriously now. That's twice in one day Aziraphale was rattled by something. Hopefully not something angelic. Clearly he's up not up to talking about it, the angel is wasting away his miracles on making more bread, which should be normal... but why?

"- Just a shiver. Some hot chocolate will fix it-" He chriped, motioning him to stand so they could go back home to their cottage.** That smile was genunine so it can't be something really troubling, Crowley loved when the angel smiled, even when it was forced he was adorable.

Crowley agreed and they held hands on the way home across St James's Park. Aziraphale's was warm, not cold, so he didn't shiver because of temperature like Crowley usually did. A greater force just focused on him with an ill intent this time, the angel knew hot chocolate would only coat the feeling, but he would have to hope it wasn't something bad.

\---------------------------------------------------------  
** I read somewhere that after the apocalypse they decided to live together in a cottage despite having their respective separate places.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well that went great.


	4. The makings of a talking serpent

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The title says it all.

The leaders of heaven and hell were arguing again. Their voices were hardly mumbles to the demons lurking outside the trail room that had enough with the rumbles and whines from nine floors down. 

"- I can't juzt miracle a demon from nothing! Thiz plan of yourzz is crazy!-" Beelzebub snapped as once again her hands banged on the table. The flies swoomed in angry circles.

"- My status and image are both on the line here. -" He muttered menacingly.

"- Nobody cares about your statuzz and image Gabriel! -" 

"- You want to have a war or not? Because this is the only way I see it.-" 

Beelzebub quieted then, her arms folded in disagreement. She realised now how little war meant now if said by Gabriel and his punchable face. All she wanted to do was kill him and win.

"- The world will end in a week and begin again in a week, I am remaking THE plan with different chatacters.-" 

"- Thatzz ztupid!-" 

"- I don't care what you think about it, do whatever you need to do but we need a talking serpent! -" 

"- We have one but hez a traitor.-" Beelzebub answered way too normally, yet her glare pierced the door behind Gabriel, a door he hardly used.

"-Crawly fell from heaven thatz why, he wazz chosen for the job. Maybe thatz why holy water doezn't kill him.-"   
Gabriel didn't feel that was his fault at all, but he understood the message. 

"- Then make another one and make it better! One hundred percent from hell.-" 

Hell doesn't make demons, but before Beelzebub could even retaliate. Gabriel was already gone with a snap of his fingers.  
The next few minutes were mostly Beelzebub pacing and mumbling curses to avoid screaming. How can Hell be told what to do like that? Since when Heaven was in control? As a leader, as a demon, shame and anger took the best of Beelzebub that suddently stopped pacing. Very slowly she had processed everyhthing and knew exactly what to do to get it all back to him.

The door opened with a slam.

"- You lowlifez!-" Beelzebub yelled so loudly that all the demons that paced through the corridor stopped and stared back. The leader of hell raised a hand, one finger is all it took to leave them all shivering.

"- Me?-" Asked the closest one, pointing to himself. 

"- You and you there. Come here.-" Beelzebub growled, making sure to choose random low status demons that can be definitely replaced, ordered around and used for the most dangerous and stupid tasks. Nobody here really cares much or notices a difference if they discorporate, that's why Hastur isn't going.

"- Go to the middle place and bring here the most venomouzz snake that you see. Alive.-" 

Without even asking why, or how, the lowlifes dissapeared with a snap of her fingers. The plan was about to take shape and a much darker turn.

"- What are you lowlifez looking at?!-" Beelzebub yelled with a grimy voice, the leader's voice echoed and after a few seconds of silence everybody continued as if nothing happened. Like zombies.

The leader of demons scoffed and the door closed shut.

The demons appeared at night (of course, they are too horrendous under the light of day) in a place they did not recognise. A garden. There were cages everywhere though, the sounds of many nocturnal animals filled the silence. It was empty of humans to tempt, which is saddening, but they didn't come here for that, or to possess anybody for that matter.

"- Where are we?-" One asked.

"- A zoo. -" Croaked the other, snapping him shut for a second as they started walking towards a sign where a map was drawn. 

"- This is too easy. There must be a trick somewhere.-" 

The demon that followed the other seemed to be in an even lower status, quite recent he was, like a child he followed the other's trail and stood behind him rather than beside him. If the other could sigh he would, this is a one demon-job, why did he had to be paired up with this poor excuse of a demon?

"- Shut up.-" The other growled, leaving on the map a grimy fingerprint over the location where the snake terrariums were located just a couple of cages away past the apes and the giraffes.

They paced in silence without making conversation until they met with a locked door that the more experienced demon was able to go through by melting the metal with the mere touch of his hand. The powers of hell are strong ones indeed, especially when you get the hang of them.

"- For Satan's sake! -" The demon cursed when upon opening the door there was another. The one behind him snickered like a grown up sized toddler and tensed up under the other's eyes when being stared at for laughing.

"- Care to try?-" The other snarled, but got a nod.

"- Then stay behind me.-"

They passed snake after snake, without even reading at the labels to check which one was venomous and which not. At least one of the demons was having fun 

"- That one is. That one too. And that one.-" The lower demon rumbled behind the other whose lip quivered and bled from biting it too hard.

"- Can you just SHUT UP! I don't like any of those, they are too small.-" He snapped towards the lower demon that halted and pointed at the one closest to him in a weak attempt to be listened for once. The lower demon wasn't stupid, he knew carrying a monster the size of Crowley (or bigger for that matter) would be a worst choice. He knew they were walking straight towards the anacondas.

"- But this one has the symbol of death next to it and it's...green. -"

"- What's that?-" The demon asked as he came closer for once, curious, and upon his demonic presence, the snake that was hiding inside a tree trunk, resting under the red light decided to uncoil itself and pop out it's small head to see the new visitors just a glass away. It's small toungue flickered agressively, it's black eyes mirrored the demon's smiles.

"- The green mamba.-" The lower demon announced while reading the label with a dramatic voice. The name was catchy enough. The snake may be small but it's fangs... oh those were marvellous! This small green snake was full of anger.

"- That one.-" The demon growled to himself, and seconds later the alarms inside the zoo blared.

The guard that was half asleep in the camera room woke up in a halt to the image of two humanoid beings fighting agaisnt a small noddle that bounced towards them. Putting aside the fact that these two idiots decided to take a poisonous snake of all things, the guard Immidietly followed the security protocol and ran towards the snake terrariums with a gun in hand only to find nothing but shards of glass on the floor. 

The green mamba was stolen. 

"- Took you too long.-" Beelzebub announced towards the single demon that came back to hell carrying the other that was like a limp ragdoll but not a discorporated one. The green mamba was a bright green necklace on the other's neck that had locked it's fangs in there, demon or not the vemon worked like a charm. 

"- What the hell iz that? Iz thiz a joke!?-" Beelzebub yelled while pointing at the poor animal that tried and failed to eat or squeeze the demon's neck. 

"- This snake... it's a fighter.-" The lowlife demon gasped in between ragged breaths, and in return he got a mumble. If Beelzebub could facepalm, she would, but she didn't.

"- Fine. Now get yourzelf dizzcorporated and take over it. Letz get this over with.-" The leader demanded, leaving the surviving lowlife demon with a dumb look on his face. He did not want to be brutally and painfully murdered only to possess a limbless snake body of all things. What is even the purpose of this?

"- And remember, thiz iz Gabriel's idea.-" Beelzebub added with a wicked smile before leaving.

This wasn't just Gabriel's plan anymore.


	5. The snake and the apple

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This is what happens with beings that are 100% "made in hell"

The guillotine is a very efficient and fast way to be discorporated. Though it does leave a sore neck afterwards that lingers for a while even after a new body has been hosted. The low-life demon though prefered that over being murdered nine floors below.

"-You need to sign here, and there.-" the hellish accountant demanded while handing over two pieces of paper and a pen towards the green mamba that was curled up on the floor in the middle of a satanic circle drawn from the blood of the former body of the demon that took over the poor animal, making it a talking serpent and no more than that. 

Just perfect.

"- How? I has no handss.-" The snake replied as it slithered forwards in shame. A simmer of a smile nearly planted on the higher class demon that would not like to share such a pityful position. 

"- Tsk! Scum. You HAVE no hands, not HAS no hands.-" 

The green mamba flicklered it's tounge at the fellow demon that thew the pen and papers on the floor to fill in the silence. Being gramatically correct wasn't part of the contract, but the accountant truly hates errors like those, and low-lifes, some don't even speak properly, thus the zombie name-tag came to be.

"- You have to sign, I don't care how you do it. -" The accountant ordered, and the green talking serpent hesitated for a minute, mumbling curses under it's venomous fangs. This venom tasted strongly bitter-sweet too, the demon hated this new body, but he hated more having to sign for it.

The creature struggled to grab the pen with his mouth, and when it did, it's small slim body curled to make nothing much a funny-looking squiggle on the paper, then repeated the process for the second paper that ended up looking like a different kind of squiggle. Venom dripped from it's fangs and stained the paper on the process, and the pen. 

The accountant grimaced and took both before the floor opened up and he left, closing the hole behind him and leaving by itself the new hell-made talking serpent with a sore mouth too. 

For a second, the serpent heard a muffled chuckle coming from underground that finally had stopped shaking. 

On the way to B's office, many looks and screeches were heard coming towards it's direction, but not everybody looks down towards the floor so not many realised it's slithering presence that was nearly stepped on more than a couple of times, luckily those that did not step on it stepped away.

The gap between the closed door and the floor below was wide enough to slither through without the demon having to remind himself that this new body he signed for literally has no hands to knock or feet to stand. Cursed the moment he pointed at himself.

"- There it iz. Zpeak of the devil and he shall come.-" Beelzebub exclaimed with glee when Gabriel stood up in a flash with a loud gasp as if his soul has been scared away from his punchable body that the serpent felt somewhat jealous of.

"- You...are...kidding.-" Gabriel muttered with a nonhalant voice, yet his expression was delightfully dreadful. Gabriel's finger pointed at the small serpent and shook. (only a bit)

"- No. I'm not. -" Beelzebub answered, she never sounded so confident.

"- This must be a joke!-" Gabriel exclaimed. "- I did not ask for this...pet.-" 

The serpent once again flickered it's small toungue towards Gabriel that looked disgusted and decieved in equal parts.

"- I'm a demon you angelic prick. -" The serpent hissed. Obviously the demon inside was controlling himself to avoid any words that had the letter "s" in them. Pathetic enough he felt being confined like this. 

Beelzebub was clearly enjoying every second of this.

"- A talking zerpent made in hell at your disposal. Howzz that? -" 

"- I guess, I expected it a big bigger...scarier... more...demon-like.-" Gabriel explained, flustered with anger.

"- It's venomouzz.-" Beelzebub grinned, and Gabriel inhaled and exhaled. 

"- Fine! fine. This will do. We are running out of time. Now leave us, I need to make some ground rules.-" The archangel hushed while walking towards the serpent that curled in self defence, it's head rose, watching the situation.

Beelzebub did not move, her arms crossed. You can't tell the demon leader what to do on her territory. Not for long at least.

"- Shoo.-" Gabriel repeated, and he did that annoying hand motion that the flies on top of Beelzebub's head followed.

"- Demons only follow my orderz.-"

Gabriel sighed exhasperated and puckered up, stepped away from the green serpent that hissed at him and motioned "after you" with his hands in silence. A nasty grin plastered on his face that quickly died the moment Beelzebub stopped doing eye contact.

"- I hope you read the zmall letterz on the contract you just zigned. -" The leader threatened with squinted eyes.

"- Wass I ssupossed to read that?-" The small serpent replied, to which Beelzebub internally slapped herself for it.

"- Juzt follow what he sayz and then do whatever you want.-" Beelzebub's finger pointed towards Gabriel that stood there. Waiting.

"- Can I kill him?-" 

The look the serpent recieved back was enough for his small body to curl within itself when luckily, Gabriel's voice stepped in.

"- Are you done?-" 

Beelzebub hummed and Gabriel snapped his fingers.

When the serpent opened it's eyes again they were not in hell anymore but standing in a beautiful garden with sunlight, soft grass, fresh air...and a tree right infront of them. 

It was marvellous.

"- I am going to skip the presentations. Everybody here knows me already and you certainly don't have to.-" Gabriel exclaimed while straightening his tie before he cleared his throat and miracled some paperwork that he read aloud.

"- Whatever your name is, I can't read this...scribble thing...You have been chosen to be the demonic serpent of this garden and your only sole purpose on life is to guard that apple right there and tempt the humans to eat it in the name of your Lord.-" 

The green mamba flickered it's toungue.

"- Ssa...tan?-"

"- Good. You know that. There's still hope.-" Gabriel sighed in relief, then kept on reading the next page.

"- You will be on this tree for a week waiting while I gather all the paperwork I need, then if everything goes as planned two humans will come here and you will tempt them.-"

"- And what happenss next?-" The snake cut him off, to which Gabriel scoffed but then remembered what happens next and quickly cheered up.

"- The world will end and repeat itself starting with those two humans, AND THEN I will personally desintegrate you with holy water to make sure you don't ruin anything. Ever.-" The papers in Gabriel's hands took many motions as he spoke. The talking serpent ironically was left speechless.

"- Any questions?-" Gabriel asked, internally hoping the demon didn't have any, but he was following protocol.

"- What'ss the apple for?-" 

Gabriel pointed up towards the apple and grimaced, then looked down again.

"- Nothing you should be corncerned for. It's Godly knowledge and power unknown to anybody immortal. One bite and it's a whole new world, that's all it takes.-" Gabriel informed.

The talking serpent could not believe this. The demon inside started recoiling and feeling all sorts of wrong and evil combined, the red apple seemed to radiate an appetizing glow that mirrored on the snake's eyes. This is indeed the perfect chance to get revenge for what has been done to him. 

For the first time in history, it was the angel that tempted the snake onto eating the apple. Didn't take much, it was even done by accident too, with no evil intent.

"- The are some more ground rules too, and because you probably don't read that much I will say them only once so you listen well demon.-" 

The black eyes of the snake once again focused on the one infront of him.

"- Rule number one: You will not speak to anybody but the humans and you will only tempt them with your...evil-ness. If you ever come even close to the angel guarding the gate you will be severely punished. Just ignore him. He has no choice but to be there.-"

"- Who..?-" 

Before the snake could even ask, Gabriel exclaimed  
"- Michael. -" and then started mumbling about having to cover him for a while before turning the page of the big manual.

"- Now... rule number two...-" 

By that point the demon wasn't even listening, he couldn't wait to get to his place, and when he did, it did not take much time to climb up the branches to get closer and closer to the beautiful apple of knowledge.

Demons don't eat, but he wasn't that type of hungry. As time ticked and he was left alone in the garden more and more thoughts started clouding his senses. Gabriel didn't tell him the whole reason of this, what was the point of anything, just enough instructions to follow but no distractions.

His thoughts were distracting enough. At first they were interesting, they fell in place.

_How am I supposed to tempt someone to eat something I have not tried yet and will get never get to try? It doesn't make any sense._

Then the thoughts started developing, getting larger than he. They tempted him, as if his mirror image was taking a bite and he got jealous.

_Eat it. Take a bite come on, then all the answers of the universe will come to you. That's what I have to say...right? It's simple._

Then they started bullying and overwhelming the cursed snake demon. They wouldn't stop.

_BITE IT, EAT IT! ___

_I can't handle this anymore! I want to know! I have to know! What kind of demon am I if I can't do my job right? I need to know what is right, I have to try. I will get murdered eitherway._

____

So the talking serpent approached to the apple bathed by sunlight and opened its mouth, it's small and sharp fangs dripping with orange coloured venom were clear on display.

____

And the snake demon took a bite.

____

He made a big mistake.

____

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Send help. The snake is cute.


	6. The replacement

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The replacement of the original talking serpent Crowley looks for a way to fix this and to cope with this new shape-shifting body, but hard boiled eggs distract him from thinking straight.

The snake demon fell from the tree.

The snake demon had poisoned the apple.

Godly knowledge had changed him.

When the snake demon opened his eyes, he was a simple talking serpent no more.

"- Aaugrh.-" The demon groaned while staring at the bright blue "sky" with fragile crystal eyes that fluttered open but couldn't bear to see such a bright light hanging over him without any sunglasses, so he used his hand to make some shadow, as if he were lying on a beach made of soft grass. His head was pounding and throbbing, the apple had lost it's glamour, yet the sweet flavour still lingered on his toungue. 

He wasn't able to take a bite, yet injecting his fangs in there was enough to get the juice in.

Also it took the demon too long to realise he had hands, this one wasn't one of the sharpest tools in the shed.

"- whut?-" the demon exclaimed, amused as he wiggled his fingers. They were his hands alright, but not his old hands, these were smaller. A child's. 

The demon quickly stood up from laying position with his small arms as support, scanning the surroundings. He had a body again, a not-possesed-snake body.

Oh Lord he had legs. 

And he was naked.

Embarassment flushed the demon's face then. When his hands were not enough to cover himself he turned back into a genderless snake again, similar to a noodle, but green. Once again he panicked. Did he do that willingly?

He could transform now. That could not be good. He did not sign up for a body that changes shape, only high class chosen demons get that type of thing, which is why it's such a burden for them to discorporate. Perfect human skins are a prize down in hell, it's the norm up in heaven...where the garden was now.

Why a child though? From all things?

"- I'm free! -" The snake demon screeched happily as it slithered south, towards the door labelled "emergency exit" past the trees and plants that made a path inside this collosal experimental terrarium.

He knew he had made a great mistake, and mistakes do not belong in a perfect plan. How would he tempt anybody now? The demon didn't even know what he was supposed to be anymore other than being the replacement for the original talking serpent. Crowley.

The demon needed to find him. The invincible. He only heard rumours about him, but most of the lower class demons had grown a sort of respect, especially after the espectacle he did on his trial.

The demon remembers he was sprayed with a bit of holy water that covered Crowley's hands as if the snake demon were baptising them right there and then. His smile was slick and smug like Gabriel's, the holy water stung like boiling cooking oil, everyone growled and took steps back but the show was worth taking them forwards to be sprayed again. Like zombies. 

Brainless. 

But not him (at least not anymore). This demon was chosen for a task. As lowlife as he was, he needed to make it better, now feeling slightly graceful for this green squibble of a body he signed for. 

Graceful. Demons can't be graceful! What was he thinking?

Self-concious is the word. If the only two humans on earth took a bite of this apple they would die within minutes and humanity would never happen. What would it be like to tempt someone into their demise? Definitely not his task. He was supposed to tempt them into Godly knowledge. Not death! 

The end of the world will take place in a week where death awaits in between that time and space continium. The small green serpent wanted to speak to him, so for that he had to die. If he truly was a creature with unknown Godly knowledge, only someone invincible with unknown power would kill him and make it worth it.

As the small green snake slithered through the thin metalic vents (this heavently door was far more secure than the ones in hell) it's toungue flickered.

"- freedom,freedom,freedom...-" It chanted.

The small serpent saw an exit, a big globe was floating in the middle of white walls and white floors. All white. It was blinding. 

"- Where shall I find master Crowley?-" the serpent asked, but the globe simply kept turning slowly. 

The tiny version of a serpent had to be fast before being spotted. Where to go? Being neon green was worse than clothing in dark garments up here, where angels and their invisible white gleaming wings minded their own business.

Oh how he wished he had wings. From earth, this lowlife nameless demon went straight down to hell without the chance of ever growing wings in the first place. Only those angels who fall have them. All demons are jealous of them, the fallen get the most hate down in hell, and heaven, and everywhere.

Without even thinking it. The small green snake entered the globe and when it's small eyes opened he was again in a park. Not the Eden garden no. 

St.James's park.

There were so many humans to tempt here. The small snake couldn't just not get close to a couple that were having a romantic picnic over a polka dot blanket.

They screamed of course, both of them, like japanese schoolgirls. Not everyday one gets to see a small green snake crawling towards them, being mistaken by the green grass.

After they ran away causing a major panic the snake demon realised how popular this body was, all because it was venomous and missing from it's post. They found it in a zoo, inside a class cage like a plastic decoration to a fake terrarium, and now the humans were in hysterics. This is what happens when one leaves their supposed place and duty. 

But what could the duty of a baby green mamba be?

For the second time today, demons don't eat. Yet the talking serpent that had not said a word to anybody was dangerously dangling inside the basket, sniffing the hard-boiled eggs that remained inside the abandoned open tupper-ware where there was more food that didn't look much better than the apple. Sandiwches? 

Hell No.

Without a proper jaw there was no way to eat them, and the snake demon refused to choke itself by swallowing both inside it's thin noodle-like body. 

A small child could eat them very well, shell and all. It gave an additional and satisfying crunch. Changing shape slowly became more natural.

Not a naked child though, never naked. That would be embarassing. A child with a polka dot blanket covering his body from neck to toes, dangling behind him like a tail, that was good enough.

The not-so-looking-like-a-snake demon walked through the park, eating the last hard boiled egg with the shell with one hand and clinging onto that picnic blanket for his dear life with the other. He became the center of attention really fast, probably because his eyes had no white in them for starters, and the blond of his short wavy hair was slightly greenish. 

And he was a child. 

The only thing that marks the line between he and Crowley is the missing snake tattoo and the most obvious lack of miracle-making this lowlife demon could NOT do unlike others in the higher ranks.

He would have miracled clothes by now if he could. This blanket was obviously too big.

"- Hey kid. Are you lost? Where are your parents?-" Somebody asked, a kind young looking woman that had been following him since he changed and lovingly tapped his shoulder. There was clearly embarassment hiding under that polka dot blanket, the lack of shoes made it hurtful to walk too. Many noticed. Eyes followed. 

"- I am not losst. YOU get lost!-" The snake demon hissed, and left her standing there perplexed. This child for a second seemed older than her. About 1.000 years old to be exact. 

If he did not find what to do with this chaotic situation soon there would be no choice but to stand on the busiest road and hopefully get discorporated by some crazy idiot before the time arrives and before anybody notices the clear absence of the serpent.

No snake. No plan. 

Even without Godly knowledge anybody could've come up with that idea. Yet again, he was indeed still a demon trapped within this body, and it's in a demon's nature to not have the best ideas.

It's in a demon's nature to hate. To feel guilt and remorse and of course... to anihilate angels, their natural enemies. 

Crowley was one of the fallen. There was more angel in him that he can imagine, but this new snake demon had none. Just a taste of Godly knowledge is all, and humanity, that's more than any angel or demon had ever the pleasure to achieve for themselves. 

A choice to know the good or wrong? Shame and embarassment? Being mortal? Making mistakes? Being imperfect? 

It takes more than a small and green talking serpent to tempt the invincibles that's for sure. When they hear the situation they probably won't take it truthfully. 

Only God knows.


	7. Good cop Bad cop

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> An angel an a demon panic and need answers.  
> Because they are not used to panic, some arguments and disagreements may happen upon what to do with the new snake demon.

"- We are getting closer!-" Crowley yelled, below the sunglasses, his yellow eyes scanned every single mortal both left and right. They sped so fast it was a surprise police were not on their tail yet, but demonic miracles can also include heavy traffic and closed roads that should be illegal.

At this time of night no least. First Aziraphale was acting strange and Crowley could see it, but whatever was bothering the angel now became a more personal attack that latched onto Crowley that felt something or someone remotely close to Satan himself (in terms of power) was wandering the streets of London.  
Crowley bolted outside and Aziraphale of course tagged along with him, whatever this problem was, they would deal with it together.

"- Is it...-"

"- No it'ss not Adam again.-" Crowley hissed under his breath before he shut the door and pressed the heel on the accelarator. Adam has decided to live his life as a human so this wasn't his doing. Aziraphale though had never seen Crowley so rattled, but who was he to judge? Something is going on other than the apocalipse or the antichrist.

"- Crowley please watch the road!-" the angel whined as his hands held onto the seatbelt that was buckled but didn't feel like enough protection. Aziraphale didn't feel like being discorporated today, or any day for that matter.

"- Only when I find the source of this....what...what do you call it again?-" Crowley asked while looking straight at the angel's blue eyes for the fun of it. 

"- A feeling?-" Aziraphale asked, perplexed.

Crowley frowned, a shiver crossed his spine. Even the word sounded too cheesy for him. 

"- Yes, Whatever.-" The demon muttered to break the akward silence, and this time he looked straight at the road. Aziraphale eyeballed at him unsure of what to do, the angel felt he hurt the demon's feelings.

"- Dear, I don't wish to ruin your excitement but...-" 

"- Oh spit it out already!-" Crowley exclaimed, hopefully to make this over quickly.

"- Demons can't feel.-" Aziraphale blurted a bit coy if anything. If said by him, these words didn't sting as much, but Crowley allowed to let that old pain pass by.

"- Shouldn't I be the one ssaying that?-" Crowley smirked, and the angel returned the smile only to be curt, but he had seen Crowley smile before and that wasn't it. They were on their side now, but something was pulling them apart. Too far apart. One to each side.

Aziraphale was the first one to see the polka-dot blanket in the approaching distance, and the moment he yelled at Crowley to sto, the demon had already hit the breaks, his evil smile faded, he finally found it, him. The lights iluminated the small figure infront of them simply standing there motionless as if saying " Run over me already you judgemental shoelace " when truth is, the snake demon replacement expected to be honked at again.

"- Is that a child?-" Aziraphale gasped between ragged breaths, the angel wasn't expecting them to stop in a halt, but again, Crowley wasn't going to kill a child that even looks a bit like him, a youger version, but blond and with too many freckles that resembled scales.

"- No that's a demon. Stay inside.-" Crowley commanded as he quickly stepped out of the car before Aziraphale could even open up his mouth. 

When something troubles Crowley he won't be subtle about it at all.

Before Crowley could even ask who the hell was he and what was he doing here, the demon recognised him but upon seeing him so pissed, his body started to quiver and the kid quickly took a run for it, having regretted not discorporating himself earlier by other means. Crowley yelled behind him to come back and even grabbed the polka dot blanket only to watch the child dissapear in thin air the moment he pulled the grimy picnic blanket out from the demon's childish grip.

At first there was confusion, of course, but it quickly became shock when Crowley stared at the floor and realised this was no magic trick. This was no miracle either, it was a curse. The lights of the Bentley iluminated the road and both Aziraphale and Crowley were left speechless for a moment upon seeing a small green snake the size of a twig quickly slither away towards the woods muttering curse words out loud. 

It was the stolen green mamba. No. It was a talking serpent, and for six millena Crowley thought he was the only one, THE talking serpent of Eden. Aziraphale did too. 

"- Don't let it escape!-" Screamed Aziraphale as he tried to exit the Bentley upon seeing that his demonic companion was simply standing there watching it leave. His angelic voice shook Crowley out of it and a snap of fingers echoed.

The nearest bush lightened on fire, the flames scared the bright green snake demon away. As much of a demon that it was, this body was flammable and very sensible to heat.

The snake demon ran out of options, and to his embarasament, he started to plead. Demons don't plead, or beg.

"- Masster Crowley I'm sorry!-" The small serpent yelled upon being surrounded by fire and the very intimidating figure of crowley standing infront of him, Crowley's golden yellow eyes watched it recoil within itself and raise it's head in a weak attempt to be menacing.

"- I AM NOT YOUR MASSTERR!-" Crowley yelled so loudly, that it echoed on the (miracled) empty road and even Aziraphale heard it from inside the car. The angel was forced to miracle the buckle to release and leave him be because it seems that the demonic Bentley is fond of him too and wishes to protect the angel the same way Crowley would.

"- Then kill me! please!-" The serpent begged then, and Crowley scrunched an eyebrow. His lip also raised as the words he did not know how to say boiled inside his corporeal chest.

"- Crowley!-" Aziraphale yelled upon stepping out of the car and sluggishly rushing towards both snake demons that stared at him.

"- Don't!...Don't kill it.-" The angel pleaded softly, even with his short breath he could both run and yell.

"- I wasn't going to.-" Crowley muttered back, and the small green serpent went even more coy upon the presence of the invincibles that was even scarier than that of Gabriel and Beelzebub. Upon sensing no danger, Crowley stepped to the side and allowed Aziraphale to speak to the small green thing.

"- Hello little snake, what are you doing here at this time of night?-" Nothing but the flicker of a toungue. The angel started getting nervous. "- Let's go with an easier one shall we? Who are you?-" 

"- The current talking sserpent of Eden.-" It responded, and Aziraphale twiddled his fingers as he shot a look at Crowley that responded by shooting another back that said "don't look at me, i have nothing to do with this"

So it is as he fears. There is another snake demon now. 

"- I'm sorry, but that role has already been taken.-" The angel informed, and only watched confusion grow on the small serpent's face.

"- But...-"

"- If you really are it then ode to your name and SPEAK!-" Crowley ordered loudly already out of patience, the same way he speaks to his plants to obey. The small serpent flinched away, the presence of Crowley was too big and menancing.

"- Thiss place is not ssafe. If they find me he'll bring me back. He knowss I'm gone.-" 

"- Who?-" Crowley croaked, the experssion on Aziraphale worried.

"-Gabriel.-"

The moment his name was mentioned the angel's colours paled as much as Crowley's. If what the serpent said was true...

"- Then let's get out of here.-" Crowley muttered and the angel nodded. He didn't feel any presence now but anything could happen, they were all on the run, on the same boat.

"- I need to meet with death firsst!-" The small serpent squeaked, because towards the demon's embarassment, the voice was a child's too.

"- Listen here, unless there's a bloody apocalipse AGAIN...-"

Aziraphale snapped his fingers and the small snake demon fell asleep inside a trance before Crowley could even finish scolding it. Time defrosted slowly, angelic miracles sure are tough, even tougher than demonic ones.

When the green mamba came to be, it was inside a cage. A cat's carrier to be exact, one with a plastic door that had been drilled too many times. The grimy polka-dot picnic blanket was luckily inside the small cage too. The Bentley went at nearly full speed, only the lights of the nearby cars and 24 hour shops could be observed from the passenger seat. The passings firelights mirrored on the plastic and the small serpent's beady eyes. This place was preetier than hell, it even smelled good. 

"- What are we going to do with it?-" Aziraphale's voice was a distant echo. He sat next to Crowley at the front.

"- Oh I dunno! Keep it as a pet?-" Crowley's one was far more crisp.

"- We should bring it back to the zoo.-" 

_No... not the zoo._

"- Angel, give a demon a chance to run it's mouth to the mortals and hell will run loose. This demon brat can create another apocalypse in any shape and form. We can't let that happen.-"

_Brat... I like that name._

"- We won't loose it this time like we lost Adam so we are doing great, everything is fine, so let's not....-"

"- Nothing that ever comes out of hell is good angel.-" Crowley exclaimed. "- But pets are alright. You've seen Dog?-" Crowley asked then a bit excited if anything, they've met Dog.

"- But it's a demon!-" Aziraphale's voice blurted, an akward silence lingered for a moment. The hellbound had ceased to exist a long time ago.

"- So am I and I ain't nobody's pet.-" Crowley growled.

"- Look. I could put it with the plants, make a use out of him, it'll blend nicely.-"

"- Blend?!-" 

"- You know what I mean by blend angel.-" Crowley answered with a slick and playful smile as he shot him a look. 

"- That's not a very good idea.-"

"- Will it hurt?-" The serpent asked then, the sudden voice shushed them both.

"- Angel!-" Crowley panicked, his grip on the streering wheel tightened.

"- I know I know! You don't have to yell at me. -"

Aziraphale snapped his fingers again, and this time the snake demon that wants to call himself "Brat" from now on had an even deeper sleep that lasted for longer. One that allowed him to have sweet dreams for once.

When once again conciousness came back with a snap of fingers, Brat flickered it's toungue and the scent reached it's tiny nostrils. It was dust and the unmaskable scent of old books. 

They were in the library now, warm and silent.

"- Hello you. We are safe here.-" Saluted Aziraphale, muttering softly upon making eye contact with the green mamba that was still inside the cat carrier. Just a plastic panel of distance. Crowley on the other hand was rustling in the backround, his black attire blended with the shadows. It was still night.

"- Where are we?-" Brat asked, and Crowley came closer with a spray bottle on his hands before the angel could open his mouth to answer.

"- Doesn't matter that. You see this?-"

"- Yess. -" 

"- You better start speaking now or I will spray you with a thousand holy particules.-" The demon demanded while shaking the contents of the bottle as if this were a police questioning.

"- Iss it regular water?-" The tiny serpent chriped after flicking it's toungue again. Something told Brat it was all a trick, it could be that unknown Godly knowledge is finally kicking in.

"- No. It's holy.-" Crowley corrected, but the angel butted in excitedly before the lies could carry on.

Of course it was water. Straight from the tap no less.

"- I'll start with the questions. Who are you?-"

"- I already told you.-" The green serpent sassed.

"- Then tell us again, but start from the beggining!-" Crowley snapped.

Brat finched, a pause. 

"- Well... there was a tree and an apple and...-"

"- N-not that far back.-" Aziraphale stopped the serpent from continuing while Crowley sighed a bit too loudly in exhasperation.

"- Are you playing with us?!-" 

This became the game of good cop bad cop a long time ago. And Brat wasn't the only one who thought of it that way.

"- No! that's where it all started!-" the serpent blurted, not getting much attention from the invincibles that started getting a bit wary.

"-Gabriel told me to tempt the humans to eat the apple and started reading out sstupid rules. -"

"- Rules? What rules?-" Aziraphale asked, confused. Crowley's expression changed faster than the angel could notice. A small but unnoticeabke "-ngk.-" escaped Crowley's throat.

"- Whooooandwhat happened before that?-" The demon butted in only to change the topic but from his voice it was clear that something was not fine. Aziraphale though could only listen. Brat's snake eyes did not even blink, the fellow snake demon understood.

"- I wass a lower class demon and I wass chossen to ssteal the green mamba.-"

From there things finally started to fit into place for Crowley. If this was a lower class demon then he could do no miracles or have wings to soar the heavens, but why have the shape-shifting of a child from all things? Was he one of the zombies that wandered those halls? Or the one that handed him the bag full of books during the bomb accident? 

Crowley's feet were never the same after that, having limbs was never so annoying before.

"- Sshould I sstart from there?-" Brat suggested.

"- YES!-" They both exclaimed in unison, one louder than the other, not including the exagerated hand motions that came with it. A small "-thank you-" came as an extra from the angel that clapped his hands together and kept them softly clasped. Crowley on the other hand flexed his legs one on top of the other as if after six milenna he did not know how to sit properly on a chair.

This was going to be a very long night.


	8. The title we only share

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The chapter in which we can see that even the best relationship can also be innefable.  
> When it's filled with secrets, it's prone to breaking apart easily.

As Brat spoke, Crowley had shifted at least five times in his chair and Aziraphale went three shades paler. 

"- And then I saw the lightss of the Bentley.-" 

"- Right.-" The angel muttered, him being the only one responding and internally panicking at the same time. Crowley is not that good at multitasking so the dempn was simply silently panicking, his feet dangled without touching the floor, it was more comfortable that way.

"- And we met.-" 

Brat recieved no answer this time. 

"- Do you believe me or not?-"

"- Well...-" Aziraphale rolled his eyes towards Crowley that bolted upright, the angel was asking for a second opinion. Not in a thousand years Aziraphale would've thought that Gabriel would imitate HER plan but make it to his liking.

"- Coming from someone like you I guess not.-" Crowley croaked, which was not the kind of help that the angel was awaiting for.

"- It sounds legitimate to me.-" Aziraphale muttered while rubbing his hands togheter uncomfortably. Yes, of course this is something only Gabriel could do.

"- Yeah right. Ya know, nobody in history has been stupid enough to bite the apple but the humans.-" Crowley explained with irony on his voice.

"-I wass tempted.-" Brat blurted on his defence.

-You tempted yourself which is different!-" Crowley snapped as he approached his face towards the cat carrier with a dangerous expression. His golden eyes seemed to be on fire.

"- You are nothing but a pathetic excuse for a demon, nevertheless THE talking snake! MY title!-" 

The little green noodle recoiled inside the cage further away, he tried to hide it's head within the polka dot blanket. Nothing like the original to scare off any fake replica.

"- It wasn't his fault.-" The angel huffed to calm the situation down, all demons really are the same afterall. 

But not Crowley. Right?

"- Well it wasn't mine either now was it?-" He asked nicely towards the angel before once again yelling towards the cat carrier. Like he does to his plants.

"- Are you supposed to be some sort of joke!? You shouldn't even exist! That's what I'm for! -"

"- Crowley.-"

"- Thiss iss why I want to discorporate! -" Brat yelled then, cutting off the chaos that he had created before it could escalate into further panic.

Crowley sighed then. He had reached a decision. "- Fair enough. -" he said, but the angel was having none of it.

"- Crowley please listen to me!-"

"- What? I'm protecting OUR side from danger. -" Crowley commented with a smile as he grabbed the carrier and lifted it from the table like dead weight.

"- You don't have to kill it. It's not dangerous.-" Aziraphale pleaded, trying to calm down the situation without having calmed himself down first. A bad choice. Danger can't be disposed so easily.

"- I am very venomouss.-" Hissed Brat from inside, forcing Crowley's expression to stiffen

"- See? Very venomouss.-" The demon copied. His finger pointed towards the plastic cage door but he kept his sweet and safe distance from the tiny holes.

Like two peas in a pod.

"- He can't hurt us from there. I'm sure we can come up with a better idea. -" Aziraphale insisted as his hand tried to reach the carrier only for it to be pulled away.

"- Not every demon you encounter is nice and wants to be your friend in order to think of ideas together while sharing lunch.-" Crowley snapped, which is true. Brat would never.

"- You share a title.-" Aziraphale commented softly, and saw Crowley's golden eyes squint from beneath his dark glasses

"- Are you comparing me with...-" Once again the demon pointed towards the cage and saw the angel shift. His expression was one Crowley had not seen in a long time. 

"- No! I didn't mean it like that. Oh dear... -"

"-Right. I'm leaving.-" Crowley growled while turning arround, cat carrier on his grip. The angel followed and called his name but he could only grip the demon's shoulder softly before the gaze on the demon's eyes pushed him away.

It wasn't fear. It was the feeling of pain what pushed the angel away. Aziraphale could feel too much of it in such little time that the glance came to him like an avalanche and forced the apologetic look on his angelic soft features to become more crisp. The poor dear had gone through literal hell, and now hell came back to get him in the worst of ways.

"- It's not a title the only thing we share. It's a curse. When you have an idea on how to relieve me from it, then say it. You are good at having ideass.-"

Crowley did not want to say "relieve me" but "us" yet when he realised what he said it was too late. His heart spoke for him. He closed the door shut, slamming it infront of the angel's face before he rushed out towards the Bentley that awaited him. He walked very unsteady, never again he's stepping into man-made holy floor.

"- Hey! Sstop rattling me! You are carrying Godly knowledge here.-" Brat's childish voice came from within the carrier and alerted some curious by passers that expected to hear "meow".

"- Sshut up!-" Crowley hissed under his breath, and placed the carrier on the passenger seat next to him with enough force to scare it's contents while he sat on the driver's.

"- Arhg!-" Brat exclaimed. 

"- Are you going to lead me to death?-"

"- He's not avaliable at the moment.-" Crowley snapped while placing his hands on the wheel, thus bringing the demonic bentley back to life. It's engine roared.

The four horsemen are more than just busy.

"- Then where are we going?-" 

"- To where you should be.-" 

"- The zoo?-"

"- The garden of Eden.-"

As they got into motion through the busy night streets of London, Brat couldn't believe what he just heard.

"- Didn't you say Gabriel was looking for you? Well there ya go. You are inside a safe box already, just need to put a ribbon on top and we are good to go.-"

"- You are working for them now!?-" Brat never sounded so betrayed. A demon working for angels? What next?

"- I never said that.-" Crowley blurted, but said no more and that was worrying. He could hear angry hissing from inside the cat carrier.

"- You can't give me away to that prick! I'll kill him otherwise.-" 

"- Exactly what I want. -" Crowley muttered nonhalant but with a weak smile, finally he was the one with a single better idea. 

The green snake was amused, so much he shushed for a moment as Crowley dreamed on. Aziraphale already told him about the treating he recieved along the years, Crowley had not forgotten a word.

"- Revenge for his great plan eh?-" Brat asked cheeky, finally somebody understands Gabriel's plan is utter crap.

"- Who could take the blame if not him?!-" Crowley replied, but the demon already believes this crazy situation may be the karma he deserves for spitting fire on him while dressing up as Aziraphale during trial. 

What Crowley was not expecting was the question that came next. Now that finally things were starting to take a good turn between them...

"- Are you still angry with Her for what happened to you?-"

The bentley came to such a sudden halt that the carrier that was unbuckled flew off towards the window and bounced back inside leaving Brat unconcious and more than a couple of mortals calling the police because the Bentley just knocked a neighbouring car and a tree after sliding off the road in a small but freaky accident.

Crowley could have been discorporated, but there's nothing some demonic miracles can't fix. A cocussion can't be that bad for a demon, but for such a small little snake like Brat it meant trouble. 

Demons can't heal.

"- Wake up you little brat! Darn it! Aziraphale can't see you like this. He'll think I killed you and I did not want to do that. I swear.-"

Azirpahale will panic when he sees Crowley like that. 

Brat came back with those words floating in a sea of dizziness and fuzziness, he was ordered to move and he did. The sight of Crowley's golden eyes staring at him from outside was mesmerizing, his glasses were a bit shattered and he sported a nice purple bruise at the side of his head that popped out like a bump, uncomparable to the ones of the Bentley.

The carrier bounced back to him it seems. This is what happens when a demonic car has no seatbelts and goes far too fast. An accident was meant to happen someday.

The small snake demon groaned. Crowley sighed in relief, Brat was still alive. Good. The demon sat in a bench at St James, the only place he knew of that was empty and far away from the accident area and ruckus of mortals.

"- What were you thinking asking me something like that?! -" Crowley scolded as he rattled the carrier some more, because of course he never cares if he's behind the wheel or not, he wanted Brat to know that he should never mention this again.

"- Sso it's true.-" Brat murmured, still a bit drunk with pain. The last memory he had is that he asked the question and then CRASH. 

Glass shattering. Groaning. And a snap of fingers.

Crowley hesitated then, his mouth stumbled upon unsaid words. He is indeed still angry with HER. It's his nature but Aziraphale would never get it because he's too soft and forgiving... And he's an angel. Crowley was sure to have been replaced for a second time, not only Brat was the living evidence of it, but also this lowlife demon was given the shape of a child to torture him because Crowley is weak for children and could never bring himself to murder anybody who's innocent. Enough he had from being a star-making angel to being the cursed talking serpent of Eden, not even Aziraphale knew about Crowley before he fell, he told him nothing for fear that he would dissapoint. 

His angel knew nothing. Not even about the supposed "punishment" for communicating with Aziraphale, the only angel he wasn't supposed to talk to under any circumstances.

"- Of course I'm pissed! Why have such a crappy replacement as you? Am I that low that they thought they could make you better than me?-"

Brat flicked his toungue.

"- Don't you mleh me! -" Crowley yelled, flickling his own toungue too in the process. 

"- I broke the ruless too, that Gabriel tempted me.-" Brat huffed, and to that Crowley can sympathise, the hate they have for Gabriel is mutual, and Brat is avoiding the punishment for escaping. Crowley saw Aziraphale give the sword away to Eve and because the angel broke the rules so did he and it all escalated from there. This was their side afterall, they could do what they pleased, they claimed it from the very beggining.

"- I don't blame you for it.-" Crowley blurted in a tone that clearly didn't imply hate for Brat. Honestly to Crowley this felt more like speaking to a child/snake version of himself if anything. Brat hissed then, but this time it was low and constant like a purr of happiness that Crowley understood far too well to feel ashamed for it.

Inside that akward silence, pain bolted to the demon's head and forced Crowley to flinch as he took off his cracked dark shades and instead he placed his hand on top of the throbbing bruise while he stared up towards the night sky, sighing. He remembers being inside the burning Bentley, but that warmth was welcoming just like the one in hell, more bearable, this knockout whoever was similar to the ones demons do to take traitors unconcious to the trial room. Never was Crowley hit with a cat carrier before. That hurt.

He needed to distract himself with something, he could not think now of bad old times.

"- See that star right there?-" He asked with a hint of curiosity, golden eyes with a straight line stared down towards the cage that uttered a small and whiny. "- No.-" from inside the darkness. 

Brat can't see much. Being inside a cat carrier is indeed unwelcome, Crowley groaned loudly. He sympathised, his heartstring was pulled by this...kid thing, yet his hands hesitated to get close to the cage's plastic door with tiny holes because despite sounding like a child it was still a demon. 

"- If SWEAR if you bite me...-"

"- I won't. Just like Dog.-" Brat hummed, he already promised to keep his fangs to himself. The demon that stole the green mamba with him has not woken up yet.

"- You know Dog?-" Crowley blurted.

"- Everybody doess.-" Brat replied with ease, and no, he did not know who Dog was. A snake is simply good at tempting and making up excuses as they go by.

The cage clicked open hesitantly and the small green noddle slowly peaked his head out of the cat carrier, Crowley kept his hands to himself though. Brat did not come all the way because it was cold, the polka dot picnic blanket was more than necessary.

"- There. See it now?-"

"- Yiss.-" The green mamba replied, and unconciously also showed Crowley some small fangs that forced the demon's face to scrunch with grimace upon glancing at them. Crowley does not have such sharp fangs, and he is indeed not venomous. 

Inside Brat's beady eyes many white dots mirrored like a galaxy, but one was more beautiful and shiny than the others. Crowley's faced awed and looked up. Only when looking at him sideways Brat realised the angelic contour of his face that non-fallen demons lack.

"- I made it. The rest I don't know who, but whoever it was surely did a nasty job.-" Crowley croaked to himseld, feeling no remorse but no forgiveness either.

"- You have a replacement in heaven too?-" Brat exclaimed, his small mouth hung open a bit in an "o" shape and Crowley twiched backwards. Making himself comfortable was never easy task, only when cuddling with Aziraphale he can bring his body to a peaceful sleep.

"-Of course! Most of mine already became into shooting stars, they fell and dissapeared... then they are replaced, but whoever is making the new oness did not even CARE to align them in their PROPER SIZES!-"

"- They all look the ssame from here. Apart from your one.-" Brat muttered as Crowley breathed heavily to calm himself. He's comparing himself with a star.

Brat did not mind Crowley ranting towards the heavens because the lower fellow demon not only agreed but he knew nothing about stars to being with. 

"- Cause they were simply hung there by an idiot without a care in the world that's why! Stars have names too, they have their places but there is no rule that enforces it. I always kept all of mine in alphabetical order, my ideas all neat and tidy in folders...-"  
As Crowley's ranting went on, anger slowly became into sadness and Brat could not even comment. He listened and stared at the night sky as Crowley paused, biting his lip and clenching his teeth. Cursing inside his mind.

"- I loved my job. I could've done it so much better. -" He confessed under his breath, so truthfully that it hurt.

Now he's here, battered after a freaky car accident, without his Bentley, just looking at what could have been. One of his well placed stars still mocking him too, Crowley doesn't remember it's name anymore.  
All he has done now means nothing.  
He has been forgotten.  
He fell, he was cursed and given the worst title on history. If clearly She doesn't love him anymore then why would Aziraphale? He's a demon, only another demon can understand how that feels even if demons are not supposed to sense feelings, it's in his nature, his cursed nature. Talking to Brat now may be exactly what he needed.

"- Some things may never be replaced but they can change.-" Brat said all of a sudden, once again shocking Crowley to turn his head at him. Luckily he's not driving now.

Change. Crowley can always change. Brat was trying to tell him that, but that is something the demon has to find out for himself.

"- Like the day of your trial. I remember you then and I see you now. That was not you.-"

Crowley inhaled loudly. Brat knows.

He's a danger.

Godly knowlwdge is working and taking effect. Brat is definitely going to keep that a secret though, because the day of the trial every low class demon took a disguised angel as their master, a simple disguised angel changed hell itself and scared even Beelzebub. If news like those spread it would mean the end of everything. It would mean war.

Crowley hesitated loudly on what to do or what to say next, the silence was too much. The respect he's given is one he does not deserve and he very well knows it, but strangely enough this fellow demon was not resentful agaisnt him, a smile appeared on Brat's expression.

"- Don't worry, something tells me that was part of the innefable plan.-" Was all that Brat was able to say before a very familiar voice came just when Crowley opened his mouth to reply.

"- Crowley are you alright? I heard...police sirens. The Bentley crushed against...-" Aziraphale came in running and stopped to breathe when both snake demons stared at him dumbfounded. They looked alright, a little bruised if anything. The bentley was in a worse condition.

"-Am I interrumpting something?-" The angel wanted ro ask, yet he kept that question to himself.

"- Angel? What are you doing here?-" Crowley asked as he placed his shades on and quickly got up. Anxiety peaking.

"- I knew you would be here, we...have to talk.-" The angel answered softly as he approached, and sighed with a melodic aftertaste. The sweet smell of cologne was familiar too.

"- Ah...You had an idea?-" Crowley asked, but the angel pouted and gave him a low nod. Crowley did look better now, the angel could feel it, if it wasn't for that nasty bruise right there everything would be perfect.

"- I wanted to apologize.-" Aziraphale confessed, to which Crowley blinked twice behind those shades that were hiding a pained glimmer on his eyes.

"- Apologise? To me?! B-but I stormed off on ya!-"

"- And you had an accident.-" The angel added, and Crowley simply huffed in approval while shurgging and mumbling words that did not make much sense. He wasn't good at these kind of talks, his hands motions were unsteady too. He did not want to get scolded.

Now that the cat carrier was open, Brat left them alone to clear things up by themselves. They looked better together than apart. Without a warning, they met and held hands, the angel gently caressed the demon's face with a sweet smile and not only the purple bruise below his hand was gone but Crowley calmed down completely and absolutely, melting to his touch like ice cream. Love truly is a mystery, what isn't a mistery is the fact that angels do heal. 

Brat wasn't keen on eavesdropping, but for a moment he swears to have heard Aziraphale mention that the idea of changing apperances for the trial did not come from him. It was all Agnes the Nutter.


	9. Something missing

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Gabriel is getting the wrong idea and accidentally locks Michael inside the garden of Eden

Meanwhile, 2000 miles up in heaven....

Gabriel fiddled with the stack of papers on his hands as Michael observed him with worriesome doe eyes, the younger archangel saw and felt the stress radiating from Gabriel, stress that should not be because the war was cancelled. It was rather unnormal to see Gabriel like this despite the usual uneasiness that the older archangel wore on his face by default, not minding the fact that Gabriel had dissapeared every single day for a couple of hours and nobody could track him down. Only God knows where he went.

"- Alright, here you go. These are your guidelines, rules and regulations...-" Gabriel muttered with a dead-pan voice and a tired expression as he roughly handed Michael a small stack of papers that the other was rather surprised to recieve. Reading wasn't exactly Michael's stronger talent. "The garden of Eden" it said at the front, those documents were older than the world itself.

"-And this is your contract. It's not permanent even when everybody thinks it is so let's not worry about that now.-"

Michael hummed, his mouth wonked and tensed. No need to sign anything here, there was no space for that because Aziraphale's name was so long his signature alone occupied the full blank box.

"- Can I ask you something?-" The youngest asked after his eyes stopped looking at the papers he had now on his hands. Gabriel's eyes shot up towards Michael, the one whom he entusted this task because he was more of a fissy than anybody else he knew. Angels may have no gender but unlike Gabriel who always wore a full suit, Michael still wore the long white robes and dress gloves that cliché angels wear.

"- Does it have to be now? You have my personal number and I'm busy.-" Gabriel asked with a fake smile on despite he was always himself infront of his people.

"- It's about the... serpent.-" Michael nearly whispered with a shaky voice, his eyes were alert.

"- What about it? Apart from the fact that it looks like an imbecile toy.-"

"- It's not that scary then r...right?-" 

Ah. Gabriel had already forgotten the trauma that Michael went through with Crowley's "execution". The poor thing had not yet forgotten.

"- Oh please! That thing is nothing compared to Crawley! It's so small I even laughed at it when I first saw it. It's a joke really.-" Gabriel explained, his goal was to soothe yet the younger Archangel's face was still uneased.

"- Do you want to see it?-" 

"- Me? Well...umm...-" Michael's voice trailed into silence, his body acted as if he were a japanese schoolgirl declaring to her crush. Normally this kind of soft behaviour would push Gabriel to the limits but he did not mind that much if it was Michael the one doing it. 

"- Come, let's laugh at the demon for a bit, the creature won't even know what's coming. I need to wind out.-" 

Gabriel walked away then, his body language encouraged Michael to follow him and he did, with the stack of papers still on his arms. Gabriel preffered his back to face him so Micahel would not see the slick smile he sported.

"- Is it not dangerous and agaisnt the rules?-" 

"- My rules Michael. And the serpent is not a danger to us at all, but if I were you I would not get too close. It's venomous.-" His voice explained monotonously, but it did more effect that it could to Michael who paled a bit, his mouth agape.

"- Venom!? Lord no!-" The youngest exclaimed, his voice whined because this was not what he wanted to sign for at all. Michael did not want to know anything about serpents, neverless venomous ones. Their bodies may be replacable but discorporating was not fun.

"- Once you see it you'll laugh along.-" Gabriel assured, only minding his own business while he took out some keys from his pocket because of course he had closed the snake in the garden. Leaving the door unlocked would not be ideal.

Why you may ask?

Gabriel knew very well that the snake was nothing but a danger. He heard from Beelzebub herself that the lowlife demon that got bit still had not woken up. Demons and angels don't differ much in the aspect of mortality.

Michael followed Gabriel take the lead relunctantly as the door to the garden opened before them and they stepped in, the youngest of course more nervous than usual, he stared everywhere. The air here was cleaner but more humid like a snake terrarium.

"- What colour is it?-" Michael asked to break the unnerving silence.

"- Bright green.-" 

Michael's shoulders relaxed a bit then. At least this serpent wasnt charcoal black with golden eyes and a bloody red underbelly. All green was more of a cheerful image. 

"- how big is it?-"

Gabriel grimmaced, his patience was running a bit thinner now.

"- Keep your questions to yourself until you see it, trust me, the surprise is worth it.-"

"- But how will I know if it's behind me if everything here is green?-"

Gabriel stopped frozen then. He inhaled loudly. Michael stopped behind him.

"- Michael.-" He announced, then turned arround to face the younger archangel.

"- The demon. Is not. Supposed. To move. From the tree. Ok?-" 

Gabriel was mad, when he is he uses hand motions to mark his words and smiles in a very unique way that unmasks his inner emotions. No angel wants to see a glimpse of those. Everybody here knows how messed up Gabriel is by now.

"- Fine.-" Michael muttered as he nodded downwards instead of upwards.

The walk of shame to the tree of knowledge was silent and once again interrumpted when Gabriel stopped and looked upwards upon arrival. He saw no snake anywhere, the more he looked the less he saw and the tree was not that big.

"- Show yourself to me demon!-" He snapped, but there was no response. Gabriel's bark echoed back to him.

"- Serpent of Eden where are yoou?-" Michael asked then, but not only his meek voice did no effect but it also made the situation worse.

Was this a joke? Did Gabriel just become the punchline?

"- For God's sake.-" Gabriel whispered to himself as his shaky hand rubbed his forehead and he groaned internally. One job. He had only one job and he failed infront of Michael no less. Or to be honest, hell decided to trick him and they sent him a traitor.

"- It escaped.-"

"- What?!-" Michael exclaimed.

"- It's gone I said! -"

Again more silence, more echo. The tree stood tall before them. Gabriel wasn't a tad bit sorry for yelling at Michael's face.

"- Shall I send searchers?-" Asked Michael, but Gabriel already started walking away again. His face reddened.

"- Don't. I'll find it myself. And when I do I will then eradicate that demon from the face of existance in the most painful way possible!-"

Little did Michael know Gabriel wasn't talking about the serpent.

"- You stay in your post, you are doing great.-" And with that said, Gabriel snapped his fingers and left Michael open-mouthed alone in the garden with the bible-size stack of papers on his arms. Trapped. Because of course the door closed after them and only Gabriel had the keys.

Michael had too many questions and all the answers dissapeared right before him the moment Gabriel left him alone with no way to exit "on his post" days away from his first shift.

Michael deflated and kneeled on the ground with a big and loud exhale. He wanted to cry but he didn't. Gabriel would come back to get him soon. Hopefully.

So, Michael started reading. 

He read under the sunlight at first, but as the hours went by the angel then shifted to lean agaisnt the tree trunk while resting under the comfortable and cool shadow of the Godly tree, cushioned by soft green grass.


	10. Knock knock

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Our favourite angel and demon duo go to the book girl's house to find the only thing that saved their asses once but both end up with bad news and a very angry archangel.

SWEARING ALERT!

*****************************************

The Bentley did have seatbelts, but it only miracled them in the place where the angel was seating. Talk about preference.

The Bentley had an accident last night, but that did not stop Crowley from miracling it back, it was his afterall. The angel of course fixed the ugliest bumps.  
" Oh Lord heal this car" The demon mocked at first, the argument they had yesterday was mostly forgotten and both seemed to be doing a very good team-work.

"- Where to now angel?-"

"- Turn right and it's the small place right at the end.-"

"- Where are we going?-" Asked Brat from inside the cat carrier. Venom that doesn't discorporate but can stick immortal beings to a permanent commatose state is a danger. As much as Aziraphale hates treating other living beings unfairly, he also needs to take precautions. 

"- To talk to the book girl.-" Crowley snapped, his hands rested on the steering wheel relunctantly. Aziraphale sat next to him at the front with a map in hand and a small piece of paper with an adress and a name, on the angel's lap sat a small box wrapped in present paper. Brat sat on the back curled within the polka dot blanket inside the cat carrier.

"- Her name is Anathema Device. And she's...-" 

"- The queen of england?-" Interrumpted Crowley.

"- No.-" The angel responded suspitiously.

"- Then what is the point of giving them food? I'm the one good at tempting.-" 

"- It's rude to come in without a gift or telling them we are coming!-" Aziraphale exclaimed while Crowley sighed. "- Not only we barely know them but it's obvious we tracked them down.-"

"- They were there! Of course we know them! -" Crowley pressed on the accelerator a bit more then, he obviously refferred to the day the apocalypse was cancelled. The angel hesitantly had to speak with Pulsifier's boss again, (the man that got him discorporated and Crowley knows nothing about) and he told them where the recently married couple lived.

"- An enchange sounds more pleasant.-" The angel mused, stiffening on his seat.

"- I don't have a good taste for books.-" Crowley muttered, still with the memory fresh on his mind of the moment that he entered inside the burning library and instead of Aziraphale he walked out alone with that book in hand.

That same God-dammed book, not the best place to cry on after drinking five bottles of cheap wine, but Aziraphale appeared before him like a ghost hours later so it was alright afterall. 

"-That book saved us from the Apocalypse once. I'm sure it can do it twice.-" The angel chirped, and Crowley smiled if only a bit towards him and his radiant positivity, but their sweet moment was solemnly ruined by a child's voice that came from within the cat carrier.

"- Wass that the only book?-" Brat asked then, the small green snake had observed and heard everything from the back seat.

The angel and demon stared at each other and both shared the same mutual thought: "The faster they can get rid of him the better."

"- The only one.-" Aziraphale answered a bit wary, he eyeballed at Brat from the rearview mirror and ignored the cautious glare from Crowley.

When the engine stopped then, to Brat's surprise only the angel got out of the Bentley with the box in hand. 

"- I'll be back before you know it.-" Aziraphale chirped, and closed the door softly before he walked towards the small house before them. When finally alone, Crowley exhaled loudly without taking his eyes of him.

"- You are not going?-" Muttered Brat a bit coy, and with the engine off, the small hiss that Crowley slipped was louder than he should've wanted. He spun loudly to look at the cage directly.

"- Oh I'm not going anywhere!-" He chuckled, everybody knows he's not the best at doing human interactions, that is a task for angels.

"-And neither are you.-" He added, and smiled when the small green noodle flinched and uncurled itself from the polka dot blanket. Finally it's small head decided to stop hiding and now, the new snake demon faceplanted against the plastic door. It's small toungue was tiny enough to fit through the small hole.

"- Are you... babyssitting me?!-" Brat snapped, but with that child's voice it was impossible to take it seriously. These small interactions between both "talking serpents of Eden" were laughable.

"- Just making sure you don't bite your own tail and discorporate.-"

If Crowley's grin wasn't enough to tell Brat he was joking, maybe the small green talking snake was thicker than it looks because it's eyes glimmered.

"- No. Don't you DARE!-" Crowley barked. He took that idea from a game, everybody that has ever owned a NOKIA phone knows what game that is. It's the snake game, and he loved it.

Brat opened it's small mouth wide enough to show the fellow demon it's fangs as it screamed "-yesssss!-" 

When the door opened again, the angel had a distraught expression on his face and he was breathing heavily from running. Aziraphale just can't get a break, one snake demon was more than enough but having to deal with two was too much. From the distance, judging by the way the contents of Bentley moved, it looked like Brat was attacking Crowley when truth was rather the opposite.

"- What on earth is going on here?! Crowley are you....-" The angel exclaimed upon opening and door and seeing the cat carrier open and empty. Crowley was alright, he handling Brat in a very agressive but secure way to keep it's small mouth open by pressing his thumb agaisnt the jaw bone muscles on the back, thus locking it in place. It's small fangs were on display, dripping orange coloured venom.

"- quite alright?-" Aziraphale finished his question when he found courage to speak, but by then Crowley was acting normal again, not minding at all the fact that Brat was slowly curling itself around his wrist like a bracelet.

"- Never better.-" The demon exhaled, sweat curled around his tatoo at the side of his head.

He was handling a very poisonous talking serpent and he couldn't be acting more cool about it. Crowley even patted it's soft green scales to show dominance. 

"- AaaaAaaAah.-" Brat said, his small beady eyes pleaded to the angel or Crowley to let go of him. With no limbs or clothes avaliable for changing, the poor thing could hardly move.

"- No book I suppose?-" Crowley asked, ignoring the obvious situation he was in.

Aziraphale sighed and hesitated, no good news then.

"- They had the book of Agnes the Nutter, the first one.-" The angel pouted, and from below his coat he took out THE book (to Crowley's and Brat's susprise). Aziraphale had never looked more sad and miserable to have a new book.

"- Then why...?-"

"- Because another one arrived! Agnes the nutter wrote that one too and it was supposed to help us with the next apocalypse and... you.-"  
The angel pointed at the open-mouthed green small snake curled around Crowley's wrist. Crowley has to admit his finger was getting tired of keeping the small jaw open.

"- Aaah?-" Brat exclaimed as the demon's confusion grew.

"- W-where is it now? Do you want me to miracle...-"

"- They burned it Crowley.-" Aziraphale muttered under his breath, leaving Crowley with no words, so he opened his mouth and then closed it.

"- fucking burned it.-" The angel whispered to himself under his breath, his eyes slightly teary. 

No miracle can fix that, not even a charming demonic one. 

Speaking of miracles, a not very friendly face also miracled himself here, following demonic essence was as easy as pressing the "follow" button on social media. Crowley and Aziraphale were too busy staring at each other in silence to realise his presence. The demon was more surprised to hear Aziraphale curse more than the fact that Archangel fucking Gabriel was approaching the Bentley.

"- Aaaaahaaah.-" Brat exclaimed, because he saw him coming. Gabriel. And he did not look happy. He straightened his tie, which in human language equals to cracking one's knuckles.

"- Well... maybe there is a way to...-" Crowley tried to soothe the angel that was into an existencial crisis of some sorts with positivism, but his improvising was cut short.

"- AAAAAH!-" Brat yelled now, and finally then he got their attention.

"- What do you want?!-" Crowley barked, and it was when the green noodle pointed outside with his tail, the moment that the demon's golden eyes followed. Crowley saw him and paled. Gabriel was no more than ten steps away from knocking on the glass, and he was rushing here too.

"- Oh sssshit.-" Crowley mouthed, but his voice came out in a hiss. That only happens during severe stress momentd.

They were caught. When Aziraphale saw him, Gabriel had already come to a halt by the Bentley, if he only got to open the door, he would witness with his very own eyes the comical situation they are in now. 

The angel's already pale face got even paler as he gasped and mouthed another curse word before he turned to look at the empty road ahead, hyperventilating. Aziraphale did not even want to SEE him or be close to him. Enough trauma he's had already.

Knock knock knock knock knock

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Who's there?
> 
> POOR LIFE CHOICES!


	11. Showtime!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The greeb mamba is stolen again. Oh no.
> 
> Also God is angry. Someone stranded himself too far and decided to own the floor and THE plan.

Knock! Knock!

"- I know you have it! Give it back.-" Gabriel barked agaisnt the window after knocking hard enough to rattle everybody in it. Crowley was not in the driver's seat anymore, to supposedly "save" Brat he sprawled himself in between the back seats so there was no way to make a run for it. The angel could never drive the Bentley, it was fueled with demonic energy.

"- Can't you miracle us out?-" Aziraphale whispered, absolutely terrified out of his toes. The Bentley was no time machine.

KNOCK! KNOCK! KNOCK!

"- Nah. I've got a better idea.-" Crowley hissed back with a big and evil grin as he looked down at the green twig of a snake curled on his hand. 

"- Replacement, you said you wanted to kill him right?-"

"- Crowley no!-" Aziraphale snapped in whispers from the front seat. Gabriel was starting to run out of patience by the way he sighed and puffed out his chest from the outside. He knew they were playing with him, the traitors.

"- Will you go at him if I let you go?-" Crowley asked towards Brat who's eyes gleamed.

"- AaaaAh!-" Brat exclaimed.

"- You cannot just murder an archangel! Have you gone mad?!-" The angel desperately pleaded towards Crowley that could not erase that grin off his face, even when complaining. 

"- I killed a duke of hell and you never complained once.-" Crowley snapped back. He knew very well how much Aziraphale secretly wished Gabriel would get what he deserved.

"- This is different.-" The angel blurted, and gulped back everything else.

SHE would never allow this.

"- Then what do you ssuggest we do?-" Crowley hissed, and wished for Aziraphale to have an idea for once. Without the help of Agnes the Nutter it was truly hard to improvise in tight situations like these.

"- OPEN THIS DOOR AT ONCE! I don't want to use my brute force!-" Gabriel yelled, and a couple of seconds later, the door opened from the inside.

He was welcomed with a strange sight. A small boy, a child, was wrapped in a polka dot blanket and the demon by the name of Crowley was sitting beside him.

"- We have...what now?-" Asked Crowley, acting as normal as he could.

"- The talking serpent of Eden. Hand it over.-" Gabriel demanded, and looked inside. Aziraphale was in the front seat but he didn't seem to be hiding anything, the angel silently prayed instead.

"-Pathetic.-" Gabriel mouthed.

"- Take me to diner firsst.-" Crowley hissed to keep his attention away from Aziraphale, all while trying to sound insulted to add more salt to the wound.

Crowley proceeded to watch how Gabriel's face reddened at least two tones, which is better than seeing him discorporated. Although, having Brat to attack him would've been great.

"- Not you!-" He snapped. "-And who's...that?-" Gabriel asked with a taint of disgust. His finger then pointed towards the child wrapped in the dirty picnic blanket that stared at him in silence, his blond hair covered a bit of his eyes that were indeed not very human-looking, but the rest could definitely fool anyone.

"- We found a missing kid wandering arround the streets, you have not seen his parents anywhere have you?-" Crowley asked, cool and suave to Gabriel's annoyance. Crowley has a soft place for children, there is no denying it, but he's also a demon, and not the one reeking the most demonic essence.

Gabriel felt insulted that these two could think that he did not notice how a demon from hell looks like. How did it happen though was the confusing part. No miracle apart from one Adam could do would lead to a snake being granted the hability to shape-shift. Afterall Adam still has Satan's powers.

This could be a Godly miracle, but Gabriel refused to believe these two traitors could do it. 

"- Do I look stupid to you?-" Gabriel asked in full seriousness, and Crowley shrugged nonhalant but Brat was less subtle.

"- Yess.-" The child answered. His toes wiggled.

Demons be demons.

Aziraphale snorted with laughter from the front seat, he couldn't hold back a chuckle that escaped his lips and forced Crowley to flinch. His expression yelled "now is not the time to laugh angel." 

"- What is so funny Aziraphale?-" Gabriel barked angrily, pacing some extra hate when saying his name, and before Crowley could defend the angel, Brat came once again to the rescue.

"- Your plan ssucks!-" Brat blurted, and the angel chuckled harder. Even Crowley stared at Gabriel with the "don't look at me" eyes and a grin. If he could shrug his shoulders he would.

Maybe having Brat here wasn't so bad afterall.

"- How dare you foul creature insult MY plan!-" Gabriel growled with such hate in his eyes that it was possible his body would discorportate by itself. His words echoed inside the Bentley and could be heard from far, so far they even reached heaven.

Brat went limp then, as if a miracle had suddenly happened. Crowley grabbed Brat so he wouldn't face-plant forwards.

"- Oi.-" 

The child bowed down his head like a dead ragdoll, even when Crowley shook him Brat did not respond. The demon eyeballed at the archangel in silence, but Gabriel clearly had nothing to do with this. 

The worry did not last very long, when the snake demon spoke again, it wasn't Brat's voice what came from within. SHE was speaking from him.

Good timing too. The situation was about to get uglier. If Brat was dead, that would start a war.

"- You have failed Gabriel. Your duties as messenger have been discarded.-" She scolded through the child's body.

Gabriel wasn't the only one who paled and gulped. Neither Crowley or Aziraphale knew this would happen, but again, no immortal being had ever taken a bite of the apple before. Just in case, Crowley's hands let go of Brat as if the boy were to put him on fire, he did not want to rough-handle GOD. 

"- My Lord?-" Gabriel asked, deflated like a popped baloon as he stared at the child with terror on his face. He did not know what he did wrong when truth is, the answer was so obvious even Beelzebub had warned him.

"- Please report back as archangel and I may forgive you for what has happened. You have done enough.-"

"- W-wait please!-" Gabriel pleaded, but Brat once again popped back into conciousness. He jerked up like being awoken from possesed.

"- Pleasse what?-" The child demon hissed, confused. His eyes looked at the angel sitting in the front seat, Crowley had backed off him too. Gabriel stood before him fuming, he looked angrier than the Lord of hell.

"- YOU! What did you do?!-" Gabriel snarled towards Brat whose toungue flicked.

Upon recieving no response, Gabriel growled to himself curse words that nobody understood because they sounded like incoherent mumbles, he lost his main job, he wasn't literally fired but it felt the same to him. Gabriel clearly has a dislike for children.

"- This is not over. I shall continue with the plan until I please! -" The archangel proceeded to stop pointing fingers and grabbed onto the polka dot blanket. Before either could react, Brat was kidnapped right in front of them with a snap of fingers, and he left behind the empty and grimy picnic blanket.

All Crowley could feel was a gust of wind agaisnt his face. His golden eyes could not follow how fast they went, having four pairs of wings and all that jazz is faster than two.

Small white feathers scattered on the floor infornt of the Bentley's open door. A clear sign of angelic stress, similarly to humans with hair. 

"- This... is the first time I see him loosing feathers.-" Crowley muttered dumbfounded towards Aziraphale that shared the same expression. A few seconds of silence had to happen for this to sink in.

"- Gabriel is not a messenger anymore?-" Aziraphale asked, just to make sure he heard it right the first time.

"- Didn't sound like it to me.-" Crowley blurted, and adjusted his glasses. Being natural enemies has it's pros, one of them being that they are not scared of each other no matter how superior. 

"- Yes!-" The angel exclaimed to himself, chanting victory with an adorable smile on his face as his hands went into fists and shook with excitement. 

Crowley sighed. This is who he fell for indeed, he would fall a thousand times over if necessary.

"- How shall we celebrate? A dinner perhaps?-" The angel chimed. He was already peckish.

"- Angel, I don't think this is over.-"

"- Whatever do you mean dear?-" Asked Aziraphale, his tender smile had vanished yet his hands kept clasped together.

"- Our titles have been stolen, again. Shouldn't we get them back?-" 

The angel blinked, he was not very much convinced. Good thing that Crowley hasn't lost his talent of tempting.

"- If the plan continues and ends up happening, I don't want that brat to be the talking serpent of Eden. And Michael...-"

"- You know what? That sounds like a fantastic idea!-" Ariraphale chirped, cutting Crowley short with a smile. Normally he would be completely against discorporating others, but Brat is a danger and if anything happens to any other higher-ups it could start a war.

The war neither demons or angels needed because of a petty mistake a brat did. They fight to know who's fault is it, who's stronger, and Crowley would not forgive himself if a war ends up being the snake's fault.

Always the snake's fault.

"- Let me just... miracle my sword.-" The angel mused, and from inside the shades compartment at the front of the driver seat he miracled his flaming sword out the same way a magician would take out a rabbit from a hat.

Once a gift, always a gift. 

"- Why do you need your sword?!-" Crowley yelled as he backed away from the flames like a cornered animal. Clearly, he did not want his car to burn to ash again, or the angel for that matter.

"- We are going to save the world! We needed it last time, this time is no different.-" Aziraphale exclaimed, and Crowley could not argue against that. No Agnes to tell them what to do now, it was all up to their brilliant ideas. They would fight for their titles, for their place, and nobody could take that away from them.

The demon could never be more glad he met him. Who said demons can't feel?


	12. You like trouble? Make it double.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Remember when I said I had a plot in mind? I take it all back. I guess I'll write as I go.

Crowley had always a problem with falling, though he didn't catalogue it as such until he missed a step on the stairs that one time and freaked out. Snakes are cursed to stay always on the ground and normally they dislike being picked up unless it means to cuddle with an angel, and Brat (aka the green mamba) was no exception. The wingless demon was scared of flying.

A second was all it took and Brat was once again back in the garden, Gabriel threw him against the ground as if he were trash. That hurt.

"- You pesky, little, foul creature.-" He mouthed as he gritted his teeth. Brat hissed, loudly.

"- Thiss is all your FAULT!-" The small noodle screamed, but the ex-messenger took no note of that remark. White messy feathers scattered on the ground, he looked down at them in shock as a faint breeze brushed them out of sight. He asked for answers but there was no voice to calm him or reassure him, SHE wasn't here. So this is what it feels to be stripped off the title of messenger. He had gone stray. He was alone.

"- Gabriel!-" Called Michael, who woke up from his nap as if he were a Disney princess.

"- NOT NOW! STEP BACK!-" He barked as he raised his hand to stop him from approaching, and the youngest archangel freaked at the sight of the small green snake with big sharp fangs that dripped orange coloured venom. It sizzled on the ground.

"-You had one job! I placed everything on the line and you had to ruin it! I could kill you right here, right now, and... wait. It's not just you isn't it? Beelzebub ordered you to stab me in the back and kill me is that it?-"

"- Are you sscared of the invincibless?-" Asked brat.

"- I asked you a question first. Why would I be scared of those loons?-"

" You are in troublee.-" Sang brat in a joking matter, his small body recoiled within itself but he would not stop bearing those fangs to remind him that he can attack.

"- Not only with HER but with them, and my boss too. Hell, I even have a witness right there. He saw your plan fail.-"

"- I have nothing to do with this, please don't hurt me.-" Whined the youngest who took a step back towards the shade.

"- TOO LATE!-" Screamed Brat, and instead of attacking the one who stood right in front of him, the reason of all his troubles, the green mamba sprung towards the white silhouette faster than ever, slithering against the grass that camouflaged it's scales, but Gabriel's hand was faster and the shock didn't linger on him as much as it did on the youngest.

"- Don't. Touch. Michael.-" He muttered to himself as he pointed at him with his finger like a gun, pausing within each word.

Brat disappeared within a cloud of smoke with a snap of his fingers.

"- Is it dead?-" Croaked Michael from behind the tree trunk where an apple was growing at the tip of a random branch, it was the colour of blood but that did not make it more appealing. Nobody had yet noticed the two tiny holes at the side that filled the fruit with deadly poison no immortal being could bear.

"- I wish. I could only send it back where it belongs.-" The eldest huffed. The small cloud of smoke dispersed in thin air, if only it had confetti Brat could have been a good party popper.

Now safe, Michael approached.

"- Thank you.-"

"- Mhm.-"

Gabriel stared at everything but him. The tree, the floor, the walls... He cleared his throat and untied his tie a little bit to have more breathing space, in fact, he was looking a bit red on the edges. There was no sass, no ego, nothing.Not even his iconic smile.

"-Are you alright? Do you want me to call Rapha...-"

"- I have to go. This place is too obvious. You stay here, like I said, you are doing great. You are the keeper of the gates, make sure nothing comes in or out.-"

That statement included poor Michael of course. That was the first time his true colours nearly showed, the first time he wasn't patient with one of his brothers and cut him off mid-sentence. He took a phone from his pocket and started tapping. Was he being rebellious?

Whoever on the other end did not reply the call and Gabriel cursed to himself.

That was the second time poor Michael was locked in the garden with no way out, because instead of using the door, Gabriel fell. No wonder nobody knew where he was sneaking off to.

"- Is he gone?-" Asked a tiny voice from below the archangel's feet. Looks like Gabriel missed his shot, it's not easy hitting a target that moves so swiftly and can camouflage with the greenery.

Michael screamed.

***

A phone rang in Beelzebub's office, it was a very old styled phone with a cable and a rolling centre instead of proper buttons and it sat on top of a small bedside table. The phone ringing sliced the silence between Crowley and his old boss Beelzebub who eyeballed the old thing as if asking for permission to pick it up already.

The phone kept on ringing. The flaming sword on "Crowley's" hand kept on burning and iluminating his opaque glasses.

"- It's...-"

"- Oh, I know who it is. You better not answer it.-" Said Crowley with a smirk, but not a sadistic one, more like smug.

So the traitor was back, and the zombie-looking lower demons outside B's office were already storming the entrance like fans awaiting to see their favourite singer come on stage. Never had the snake been so popular despite having the most depravate title of all, the villain, the one who ruins absolutely everything.

Heck, Crowley was more famous than Adam at this point, but in the bad way.

He enjoyed every second of it. This is the closest thing to "validation" Aziraphale has ever been, how is it that he feared his own more than his enemies? He smiled for did he not know. He only hoped the real Crowley wouldn't take the glares too seriously up there, it's easy to get into trouble for the littlest things.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am back from hiatus!! This story is not discontinued, I will try to make things more interesting from now on. 
> 
> Be prepared for angst and suffering in the next chapter. Someone's arm is getting chopped off and feelings are gonna surface.


	13. Gabriel's bad, not very good, awful day.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This is a LONG chapter
> 
> Be warned of feels. Fluff is everywhere these days. Also Gabriel has problems with the authority, he should get his preferences checked.
> 
> ***Swearing alert somewhere***

It takes a lot of venom to kill an archangel.

  
Brat didn't mean to bite, but being rough-handled like that is no treat for anybody, especially if you've been told beforehand that you will die once you finish your task. Godly knowledge may be useful for certain things, but it didn't explain every action. Snakes bite, demons are evil, that is their nature. But what is the curse of the talking snake of the garden of Eden? To ruin absolutely everything, being the snake is bearing with the most deplorable title of all.

  
Gabriel was a messenger, the same way Brat was once a lower-class demon who was zombing around hell like it's nobody's business. Every action has an opposite reaction, and fear, just like love, can bring one to do the most unwilling actions that not even the higher ups can predict or prevent. 

  
Aziraphale in Crowley's costume could not believe it when he heard his voice echoing through hell. His footsteps approached dangerously. It was Gabriel, and he was fuming.

  
"- SHOO YOU DISGUSTING CREATURES! DON'T TOUCH ME!-" 

  
If eye-rolls could make a sound, it would have echoed along a small sigh of displeasure.

  
"- I see you got yourself a new friend.-" 

  
Beelzebub stared at the traitor of his kind as if she had been stung by holy water instead of words. Oh, so Crowley can sense feelings now? Good thing they were alone in her office, the bathtub was empty this time, not that it made any difference.  
When Gabriel entered in a rush, without a word he locked the door behind him despite his fingers sizzled upon contact with the metallic lock, he grabbed the small rope that dangled from the blinds and pulled it so they wouldn't be watched by an audience of demonized zombies. He was too breathless to realise all this "touching" marked and scarred his hand with minor burns, normally he would have miracled himself here, normally he would sit down on the same damn chair (stolen from the middle place) and act as if he owned the place with a perfect and pristine...everything. Normally he wouldn't look about to discorporate. 

  
Why infront of Beelzebub on enemy grounds? Why not discorporate anywhere else?

  
"- A snake demon at my disposal you said? Demons only follow your orders you said?!-" Gabriel sassed towards the leader of hell, his counterpart, who only opened her mouth before being interrumpted. 

  
"- You got bit?!-" Exclaimed "Crowley" who still held the flaming sword in order to get some answers that never quite arrived on time. No wonder there were some bad vibes coming his way that he did not like. Even with these shades Gabriel was unsightly, his left arm drooped to the side as if it were broken.

  
"- Do YOU mind?! -"

  
Not long after exclaiming that, his sass started looking more like desperation, his pale face was clammy and he ran out of time. His shaky finger pointed straight torwards Beelzebub like a gun about to shoot, Aziraphale knew that pose very well and flinched, but soon his arm dropped before he could fire, and so did he, upon the same table where they had so many conferences they had lost count. On this table they had argued, yelled at each other, insulted each other, yet it never went phisical because the respect was mutual and the line was never crossed, not until the day of the war where they decided to go "all out" on one another.

  
That day was not meant to be today, that was not the plan.

  
White feathers turned charcoal the moment they fell, now scattered on the ground below him. Aziraphale had to repeat to himself "you are Crowley, don't be surprised" over and over like a mantra inside his head.

  
"- You. Give me that.-" Motioned the hell leader as she practically stole the flaming sword from Crowley's hands in a rush. The "demon" did as told, to add more credibility to his costume, though the angel was in such a panic that he forgot he is supposed to be a traitor down here. The situation was out of control now.

  
Her hands sizzled and the holy flames that sprouted from the blade quenched, yet Beelzebub held the sword tight and walked swiftly over to Gabriel who was still semi-conscious, two little dots marked his thumb where the venom got in. The cloaked angel believed this would be the perfect opportunity for his demonic counterpart to kill him, and for once in his life, Aziraphale felt ready to see him go.

  
Only he didn't, half of his arm did. The leader of hell raised the sword high without asking if that arm was the right one or not, and she plunged it down fast enough to chop right over the elbow just in case the venom travelled that far. Of course, no blood was shed because Archangels can't bleed, the discharged limb simply "poofed" itself out of existence after being cut away from it's host. "Crowley" grimaced. Gabriel was a punch away from being turned to smoke.

  
Gabriel bolted upright with a gasp and the first thing he saw was Beelzebub panting and holding the flaming sword that clanked on the ground, her hand sizzled. Disappointment, rage, pain...every negative emotion Gabriel could think of filled her face when they made eye contact. Beelzebub forgot Gabriel could feel feelings too.

  
"- You just saved me from a ton of paperwork you know that? What you just did...-" His voice shook as much as he, he was dancing on a literal tightrope. He could not even move.

  
"- Szzhut up!-" She hissed, and walked away from him quickly, towards the phone this time. It seems all the snakes are traitors, even those made 100% in hell.

  
"- It's ineffable?-" Exclaimed "Crowley" with a goofy smile, but he was glared at by both leaders simultaneously. Beelzebub stared at him less though, she was too busy dialling the numbers on the old phone.

  
"- How come _you_ got the flaming sword, _demon_?-" Gabriel spat with hatred.

  
Crowley shrugged. Gabriel may be alive, but he was delirating, clearly.

  
"- Does this remind you of something? Of when you fell maybe? Seeing the hatred in your face alleviates this pain so very much...-"

  
He fell? Crowley fell? Aziraphale knew nothing, when they met he was already a snake. His costume nearly dropped from the very shock of hearing that come out of Gabriel's lips, he could not be lying about this. 

  
"- The stars...there were so many of them to unpack... and you came in and said "I'll do it!" as if your sole purpose of life depended on it.-" His tone was mocking, Aziraphale knows all the little gestures, all the red flags... will the bullying ever end?

  
"- Why izzn't anybody anzwering? Where is Michael?-" Barked Beelzebub as she hang the phone so hard she could've broken it. Today was not the day for confessions, especially when Gabriel could discorporate at any moment. 

  
"- There is no connection to anywhere in the garden, it's like...a terrarium for test subjects. On earth there is wifi.-" He nearly burped the last syllable, but he covered that with a groan of pain.

  
"- Then YOU call someone.-" She ordered, hoping that the angelic prick had something up his sleeve, well not that one, the other one.

  
"- I believe that, in order to pray and be answered I need both of my hands.-"

  
A very uncomfortable silence filled in the room, only the flies pacing and the zombies banging the glass outside made it more bearable. 

  
"- SHE won't hear you, you are not her messenger anymore.-" Sassed Aziraphale, in a way, getting revenge for all the bullying he had gone through.

  
"- Yet you are still a _fucking_ cursed snake.-"

  
Gabriel cackled out loud as "Crowley" bit his tongue and the inside of his cheek, Gabriel's iconic evil laughter echoed in the room and inside the angel's repressed memories. He shivered and recoiled the same way a snake could, no need to act like Crowley, that came in way too naturally. Did he do the "ngk" sound with his throat too? He surely did, by accident of course, he knows his dear too well to know all his little quirks.

  
Will the bullying ever end? Was Gabriel always like this? No of course not, but Aziraphale knows nothing, just like he didn't know his dear was once a angel. 

  
Why did Crowley keep such a secret away from him?

  
For old time's sake, the cloaked angel felt stupid, all sorts of insulted and...bamboozled? is that a word? oh dear, he had no idea, all he knew is that he felt awful in too many ways to count. His fake-painted snake eyes hiding behind those shades started filling up with tears and revealed their true colour.

  
Blue, a beautiful sky blue.

  
***  
Crowley could not enter the Eden garden without keys but he knew Brat was definitely in there by the way Michael's girly scream muffled the other side of the bolted door. Michael had always been a screamer, a very squeamish one too, also, Brat reeked of demonic essence that Crowley could track no matter how far. He liked to call it "the snake sense".

  
Dressed as Aziraphale he paced silently from left to right like a trapped animal, fidgeting with the lock he could not miracle to open unless he wanted the alarms to scream. No demonic miracles could be done on heaven's floor or the consequences would be...deadly. Luckily nobody saw him come in nor did he want to ruin the angel's image even more, so after giving it a bit of thought he decided to take another route. The vents. As a snake, it would be easy to slide through them, he was too large to slide under the door the same way Brat did. This terrarium had many entrances, but only one was catalogued as such.

Walking through the corridors as if he owned them, making sure to walk quickly and not be spotted by any other anger from up-close, Crowley kept his blue-painted eyes straight but they kept on shifting everywhere, a small ghost of a smile painted his face by the deja-vu the sight of this gave him. All of this. His smile though, suddently faded and he flinched.He froze upon the sight of an office. White door, white walls, a golden doorknob...nothing made this any more special than any other office on these long halls, but the name imprinted on a sheet of metal tempted Crowley to go in. 

  
**STAR-MAKERS OFFICE. AUTHORISED PERSONNEL ONLY.**

  
Was he still authorised or did the curse stripped him from that as well? Was SHE watching him right now?

  
Who was the chosen one to take his place up here? who is his replacement in heaven? He had to know for the sake of his already dead identity that was tumbling in the grave of his memories right now. Will the door let him in if he looks like his angel?

  
With shaky hands and already sweating buckets, Crowley touched the golden doorknob and twisted it. Not only did his hand not sizzle but it opened with a very satisfying click.

  
Upon entering in the office like a child about to steal cookies from the jar, his mouth opened. He felt like entering here for the first time and for the millionth time in unison, his insides twisted in ways he already forgot he could. He felt with the tip of his fingers every single metallic cabinet that he labeled himself, he recognised his very own handwriting in all of them. He knew this office by heart so it didn't take long for him to find the one who was taking over, and to be fair, he wasn't surprised when he saw Raphael's name there.

  
Crowley wasn't even insulted, in fact, he felt proud. Good for him. Raphael was one of the few that Crowley had good relationship with before he fell, he was sweet and caring, so much like his dear angel he was dressed as now. They had each other always.

  
But why wasn't he doing his part of the plan? He should be grabbing that green noddle and getting the hell away from there before it kills anybody! but knowing who was in charge of the stars while he was gone just wasn't enough for Crowley, he had to rummage around a bit, which he did by opening one of the many cupboards and placing all the files of stars in their respective order. Only Crowley ordered them that way, such meticulous ways could never be imitated, not even by an Archangel. Crowley must admit, his hands moved by themselves as if they were programmed to know who goes where despite he already forgot most of the names. He cared because nobody did.

  
"- The stars haven't been the same since you fell.-"

  
"-NGK!-" Crowley jumped, his head turned arround to see him with fear painted on his face that is so not like Aziraphale.

Raphael. He stood admiring the while curled locks of his with pity. Good thing he saw straight through the costume before pulling the alarms. 

  
"- I don't know what you mean dear, I shouldn't be here.-" Snapped Crowley softly, trying to imitate his dear angel as much as he could by placing his hands together the same way he does and smiling purely like he does, but the word "dear" stung on his throat, it burned on his chest like hellfire. Crowley wasn't an angel anymore. This phrase said out loud hurt him in more ways than one, and of course, the fucking archangel of fucking healing felt that within him.

  
So much pain. Unbearable amounts of it! It was hard to sympathise with him, but it would've been harder for Raphael to just let him go like that. The archangel stopped him from going by placing a hand before him, afraid to be discorporated, Crowley halted.

  
"- So what are you doing here, Aziraphale?-" That small pause before he said his name forced Crowley inhale slowly, avoiding eye contact as much as he could. Oh he knew. The plan was screwed whether Raphael believed he was Aziraphale or not, he would not get out of this one alive because both options led to punishment. He was not supposed to be caught! 

  
"- Ordering, didn't you see? It's..a mess up there. Now, if you excuse me...-"

  
Once again he tried to leave and avoid eye contact, anxiety peaking it's maximum, but nobody can escape an archangel so easily, especially not if you haven't seen each other in many millennia and he really REALLY missed you.

  
Before Crowley could (very literally) slither away the half-agape door, he was pulled into a warm yet soft embrace that became a hug the moment he returned the gesture, and why did he return the hug you may ask? Because he melted as if this were Aziraphale who was cuddling him. His angel, his dear angel... Why had he lied to him for so long? What would he think if he saw this?

  
"- I'm sorry.-"

  
Did he say that out loud? He thinks so by the way he's being shushed and craddled, he did not meant to say that out loud, but what he can do to take it back? Say another one? 

  
_"- I'm sorry.-"_

  
Nope. That just made things worse, that sounded like a whimper if anything and now Raphael really won't let him go. His embrace grows tighter as if saying "you are not falling anymore, I got you" and that feels...exactly how cuddling with Aziraphale feels. Now his throat is tightening, his chest feels like it's splitting in two, he starts shaking... 

  
And finally, he breaks. After the first hiccup, bittersweet tears flooded his eyes and the sky blue of his dear angel changed to an ugly yellow split in half by a black line. Such hellish colours, he though, but Raphael did not mind one bit. Not another word was said out loud, they were unnecessary when a hundred emotions crowded them from the inside at once.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know a hug won't make up for all the angst going on in hell but hey, give the emotionally constipated demon a chance!


	14. Truth hurts but lying is only temporary

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Did Crowley just had a really, really good idea?

"- You have to go back, I'm too busy with the traitor trying to murder me to deal with your zhit.-"

  
The angel would never, Aziraphale only wanted some answers.

  
"- Very welcoming, as always, but in case you were not aware I CAN'T MOVE.-" Snapped Gabriel, still shivering.

  
"- Then miracle yourzzelf away! You can still snap your fingerz in one hand!-" Beelzebub exclaimed while pointing at his free hand, the flies ran in panicked circles.

  
"- Can't...do...miracles here.-" Gabriel groaned, for he had trapped himself in literal hell with the being he most despised with no way out or way to communicate with the outside world.

  
The disguised angel could not believe his eyes, the feelings that jumped left and right across the room were too much to bear and Gabriel apparently was too weak to notice but they were there. He should not be witnessing this. His disguise was already too much responsibility to bear, if you add on top of that the fact that the two leaders of both heaven and hell were voluntarily conversing instead of planning the next Armageddon, Aziraphale felt cursed just being here. 

  
The angel silently prepared himself for the best acting of the century, if it was his dearest the one he was supposed to represent, he would copy to the very last twitch of the hand, even the way he walked and walked and the way he extended his "s" when being put under pressure. Being it a big lie or not, the angel had fallen for this. He knew all his little quirks from A to Z.

  
"- Alright, tell you what. I also have many things to do up there so I'll leave you two to it. Too many humans to tempt. I'll catch ya another time bosss.-"

  
Beelzebub only nodded, but Gabriel had more things to say and he wouldn't mind discorporating if only he could get the message straight before Crowley could waltz through the door.

  
"- You better leave you rotten creature! Miracle yourself out of here! I'll let you know SHE hates every single feather on your back.-"

  
Aziraphale froze. His dearest had been an angel, that rotten smile of Gabriel's couldn't be better than any good deeds Crowley had done so far and the angel has witnessed with his own two eyes. Slowly he turned.

  
"- This is why you are not HER personnal messanger anymore! You keep sending the wrong oness.-" 

  
Silence filled the office, only Crowley's over-extended hissing filled in the room. Aziraphale had never tried hissing at Gabriel, and damn that felt good. Expressing his anger using other methods was an eye-opener. If the angel were to choose who to trust, the answer was too obvious, he didn't only speak up for his dearest, but for himself too.

  
"- And I'll let you know I'm more of an angel than you will ever be!-"

  
And thus, the disguised angel left to the middle place still shivering in excitement, or that's what he hoped it was. The first thing he did was turn around the sign on the door from OPEN to CLOSED and he miracled himself a cup of very hot chocolate. He gave a very long sigh after practically inhaling the first sips. Now the only thing left to do was wait for his dearest so they could change their appearances and hopefully talk. But where to begin? If Crowley had kept this hidden for so long then this meant he was not comfortable talking about this.

  
On the comfort of his bookshop the angel enjoyed the silence, but such did not fill in the void, it just made it louder. His blue eyes scanned out the large windows. It was raining.

  
He prayed for Crowley to be alright, for now that's all he wanted, honesty could come in last if only his dear wanted to do so. If not, at least he knows he would be loved either way.

***

Crying really does heal in the long run, and to say the archangel's robes were soaked by the moment they separated was the understatement of the century but Raphael miracled clean with the blink of an eye. Speaking of eyes, he did not mind looking straight into the eyes of the cursed snake, they were a beautiful thing to admire.

  
"- So tell me now, why are you here Crowley? Apart from ordering the stars.-" He chuckled, not dressing Crowley by his dead name of when he was an angel to avoid offending the already-flustered demon. Archangels have standards, if not all, at least Raphael did because all he has is good intentions, he was _made_ of good intentions.

  
"- I came to...ehhh....pick up my replacement. I'm grounding him to the middle place and having Adam separate the demon's spirit from the serpent's body, he did that once with Aziraphale when he got discorporated in a fire so I thought....-"

  
"- Y-your replacement?-" He stammered, confused if anything.

  
"- Another snake demon, but I wouldn't call it that. It's more of a bother, really, but it's a dangerous one.-" His hand went to scratch the beautiful white locks he loved so much as he spoke. Crowley did not expect Raphael to be so confused.

"- Why is there another one? Is this another of hell's plans you are trying to stop?-"

  
Crowley froze for a moment.

  
"- It's Gabriel's great plan. He made a new one with what he had.-" 

  
"- He made a **_what_**?-"

  
"- _Nngk_!-" Crowley jumped. "- Did you hear he's not a messenger anymore? He's lost feathers and everythin'-"

  
"- **_No?!_** -" That was a low blow indeed. Gabriel had lost contact with many of his siblings for a very long time now, but from being cold and distant to going completely astray there was an abyss as deep as the fall to hell. Something had to change, and nobody had the guts to intervene until now when it was too late. Always too late.

  
"- Sucks to be him. That plan has been stopped anyways, I just need to pick up that green demon and walz my way out before it gets too dangerous for anybody.-" Crowley said, but that smile was too forced even with Aziraphale's image plastering his face. Without the glasses, Crowley felt naked even being disguised as his dear angel.

  
The archangel went serious.

  
"- You know I can hug the answers right out of you if I must. If you lie, I will know. Are you threatening my brothers?-"

  
Yes, Raphael's secret weapon is indeed physical contact, the longer he holds the more truths you will spill in less than a second. The pros of this is healing, both emotional and physical, the cons is that both secrecy and image go out of the window from that point onward. It's the good kind of curse, but because it's a curse, Raphael hardly gets any visitors or anybody getting close to him for that matter unless it's an emergency. One you spill, there is no going back, crying most times is inevitable.

  
Crowley took a cautious step back, not surprised that his feet did not sting anymore, did his back feel lighter too? 

  
"- I would tell you what I know if I knew, but all I know now is that Michael is locked in the garden with that thing and nobody wants that.-" He exclaimed on his defence, his hands raised as if he were going to get arrested.

  
"- Why?-" Asked the confused, slightly concerned, archangel.

  
"- The brat's poisonous.-"

  
"- It's...a _child_?-" 

  
"- A demon who got tempted to bite the apple by your precious brother that we all know and despise. -"

  
"- Oh, he went too far this time.-" Raphael huffed, and Crowley couldn't help but nod but something still stung, maybe the pain was healed but scars were permanent. He would never go back to what he was before, not even close.

  
"- Sshame he didn't get cursed for assking to end the world and re-do it all over again huh? That sounds so much better than being just sssslightly curious and joining with the wrong people for answerss. He would be very popular in hell ya know?-"

  
Somewhere in between that sarcastic rant, Raphael's face softened with pity and empathy which he can feel inside his own skin towards those in close proximity. That is one of the cons of being the archangel of healing, the scars he was unable to heal will haunt him just as much and Crowley has too many of them. 

  
_"-You could have saved me from falling.-"_ Is what Crowley wanted to say, but didn't, so he focused his anger on the closest target: Gabriel, he who can be as curious and rule breaking as he likes and is not even half as punished as Crowley was.

  
"- You know he's not good at his job, he never was. Why put such a prick under the spotlight? Why do you have to deal with my stars when most of the time you don't even know what you are doing?! -"

  
"- SHE wanted it this way.-" Raphael reprimanded, and that is honestly the closest thing he can get to a real scolding. For those who have no sense of self-perseverance, a hug is the punishment, and the process may repeat for as long as it takes.

  
"- And what good did that make for anybody?!-" Crowley exclaimed back, raising his hands.

  
"- Is Aziraphale not good enough for you? Just looking at you I can tell he's the only good that has ever happened to you. You did not jinx anything, it wasn't your fault. You are **good**.-"

  
Crowley's hands started shaking, yet he continued acting stern although he was _hurt_ , and that is the best way to unconditionally torture Raphael. Crowley loved his angel more than _anything_.

  
"- I WAS good. _Good at my job_. My place was meant to be up there in the stars.-" Crowley pointed towards the floor. He used to be such a workaholic in the old days he hardly had time to make solid connections with anybody.

  
"- And what about _your_ place? That is the reason why you are here. Why do you still look up towards the sky with such pity? The stars are not yours, they are HERS, but the middle place belongs to you two.-" 

  
Crowley sighed. Of course he read through him like an book.

  
"- You know, Aziraphale gets excited every time he sees a shooting star and I never had the heart to tell him that's my work falling down. He has no idea.-"

  
"- You are not all stars Crowley, but you are not completely a snake either. You changed. And have my word, SHE still loves you very unconditionally.-" And if that smile wasn't the most tender thing Crowley had seen, he would say this angel now standing before him can compared with his angel.

  
"- _Hah_ , so you are enrolling to be the new messenger too?-" 

  
"- I guess I could work out as a communicator between you and Aziraphale, given the fact you can't...-"

  
That look Crowley gave him said enough, the black lines that crossed those golden yellow orbs for eyes got slightly thinner. Raphael cleared his throat, he did not want to open old scars, he wasn't made for that. "- Where is Aziraphale? The real one?-" He asked instead.

  
"- You don't want to know.-" Crowley murmured, anxiety again peaking so slightly as he watched Raphael place his two hands on his forehead and close his eyes for a couple of seconds. He was being channelled to someone, only those with halo can do that and Crowley is not jealous, nope. ( ~~He is~~ )

  
"- He's in the middle place and just now he prayed for your well being, do you want me to reply for you?-" The archangel asked while cracking open one eye, his fingers still posed on his forehead.

  
Crowley took another shocked step back, his mouth slightly open. "- How did you...?-" He stammered.

  
"- Every prayer that ensures the health and well being towards other, no matter who it is, goes straight to me. Archangel of healing remember? My responsibility-" He smiled, tenderly.

  
Crowley softened yet again and hesitated, after a couple of seconds he sighed and exhaled the most pain-filled words he's ever said since history began. He was amazed that Aziraphale was able to say out loud so easily that he "gave the flaming sword away" and he could never say in return what his dear angel most deserved to hear. 

  
"- Tell him the _truth,_ and make it quick.-" 

  
Raphael closed his eyes and did as told.

  
***

  
With two fingers latched on his forehead, the angel waited. Hot chocolate still steaming on the small table beside him. An answer came back and he smiled as he went to grab the cup again while feeling butterflies flapping inside his chest.

  
Apparently, Crowley loves him very _very_ much.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Get ready for some Gabriel bashing on the next chapter! Not even hell can save him from that.


	15. T'is but a scratch

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> You always loose hope before you loose your life.

When Crowley and Raphael entered the garden they were too late, despite they practically ran looking everywhere, screaming his name with no answer, there was nothing they could do to prevent what they witnessed lying below the tree. Michael rested upon the grass like a sleeping damsel under the shade, wearing nothing but his dirty white robe with gloves and pointy shoes. The green mamba recoiled itself around his ankle, despite being so small and thin his fangs were already deep within the youngest archangel, the venom travelled fast.

  
"- You BRAT! What did you DO!?-" Spat Crowley angrily, but disguised as Aziraphale his replacement did not recognise him too well from afar. 

  
"- Masster Crowley?-" Brat questioned, intrigued but also going on attack-mode towards the stranger standing next to him that gasped "Michael" below his breath. 

  
"- I am not your MASSTERRRR-" Crowley hissed, his golden eyes now full on display scared the demon once again. Despite being a literal snake demon, Brat's voice was of a child's and it was so green and tiny Raphael just couldn't believe that was it. That couldn't be it.

  
That was the danger? Crowley was ten times scarier and bigger.

  
"- oH actually, you are.-" Raphael exclaimed, while pointing towards Crowley who jumped back as if those words were holy water. "- _w-wait wut?_ -" 

  
"- He's your replacement, your responsibility.-" He mouthed, as serious as he can be, which is not much but it's intimidating nonetheless.

  
"- I didn't bring him here, I didn't make him! That thing ate the apple, Godly knowledge has nothing to do with uss.-" He hissed in response. 

  
Brat is cursed, even more than Crowley, that doesn't make him more of a danger though.

  
"- I think you should care a little bit more to prevent accidents like these. Look, it's scared.-" Raphael pointed at the small green noodle still curled around the "sleeping" archangel's ankle that was now starting to swell. Upon being pointed at, Brat flinched and hid it's head behind Mikael's thigh.

  
"- I taught you better how to treat children once you realised they were made of the same stardust you love so much.-"

  
"- That's a demon and it's made of everythin' but stardust! Who cares what the brat wantsss?!-" Crowley exclaimed on his defence, Raphael just sighed in disapproval.

  
"- I do.-" 

He walked forwards and kneeled in hopes to reach something remotely close to eye-level. 

  
"- DON'T!-" Yelled Crowley, but he did not try to stop him. Angels can be so persuasive sometimes.

  
"- Hello, I'm not going to hurt you or send you to hell. I just want to negotiate.-"

  
Brat started uncurling itself slowly but surely towards his kind presence. "- Negotiate what? I ssigned a contract.-" The snake whined,

  
"- Well, your contract from now on is expired.-"   
Brat only tilted his head to the side and flicked it's tongue.

  
"-Look, Crowley came here to pick you up but you both can't leave unless you shape-shift. Snakes can't get out of the garden, if anybody sees you there will be trouble.-" 

  
"- I'll be naked if I do that.-" Brat nearly whispered, already flustered just thinking about it.

  
"- Then I will miracle you clothes.-" Raphael exclaimed with a smile.

  
"- I don't trust you.-"

  
"- That right there is my brother, I should not trust you either yet here we are.-" Despite not being very obvious, the archangel was already starting to get nervous about Mikael's well being. The swelling was getting worse by the second.

  
"- He nearly killed me first.-"

  
"- Because you look like a snake that's why. See that?-" Raphael pointed at a small pile of white clothes that sat by the bushes. "- All yours if you slither away without biting anything else.-"

  
"- Why don't you want to kill me?-" Asked Brat after hesitating and flicking his tongue a couple of times. The clothes looked real, he could change behind the bushes to avoid being seen naked too.

  
"- You remind me of someone I used to know a long time ago.-" He replied softly and caring, such as his smile that warmed even the darkest and coldest of hearts. No matter how lost, or how hurt. Both snake demons carried pain in them and Raphael just couldn't help but sympathise as he watched the small one slither out of sight without saying another word. Crowley flicked his tongue at Brat and hissed slightly when he passed by which is the human equivalent of pulling the middle finger.

Brat slithered faster while hoping he wouldn't be in too much trouble.

  
Finally alone, the archangel placed his hands right on top of the two little dots still oozing venom and surrounded by badly coloured swelling, he wouldn't dare touch it, he was only assesing. Crowley stepped closer out of curiosity, he always loved to observe Raphael work, the art of healing is one that picked his interest but not as much as stars, just enough to be worth watching.

  
With a sigh, the archangel realised, like always, that curious little shadow peaking from behind him. He remembers those beautiful long orange curls, those cheeks, the way his green eyes stared with so much interest he could've taught him how to perfect the art of healing if only he wanted to, but all he wanted to do was being surrounded by stars day and night. Crowley was a very good-looking angel, but that was a very long time ago, now he would've healed Mikael right there and then if Crowley wasn't present, even disguised as Aziraphale.

  
It's better to wait until the two demons are gone or he might freak out again. Snakes are Mikael's only weakness.

  
"- If you are doing charity for demons could you miracle me some shades maybe?-" Asked Crowley in a nearly-flustered whisper. The way his posture swayed slightly forwards had not changed, only his eyes looked more guilty and he was filled with old pain that they both shared because they were close. Now that he's thinking about it, Raphael still remembers clearly the day he got the news that the only "star-maker" angel got hit by accident by a shooting star that pierced straight through his left wing and it was improbable he would ever fly again without pain, of course Raphael took that as a challenge and he was able to fix it to near perfection, but it could've been easier if the star-maker had not moved and twitched so much.  
Crowley knows he could've been replaced then, a stupid accident like that was unforgivable and he could've allowed that shooting star to shoot itself out of existence, yet he kept flying and refused to come down until he got a hold of the runner that pierced right through him, but not for revenge, it was because he had to nail it back in place. That star was an important one.

  
Stars are alive and they are full of energy, sometimes that energy is angry and when that happens they can escape and pierce through anything that stands in their way the same way a bullet would do. Despite magic matter was dripping down his limb that sent him shards of pain with every flap, even with trails of crystal tears cascading down his green eyes, he was able to catch up to it despite flying in a very wonky way. With the shooting star finally on his arms, not even being angry with it, he soothed it with kind words and slowly but carefully placed it right where it was supposed to be before the pain took the best of him.

  
 _"- Hey, can you explain me how it works rather than just doing it? Advanced healing looks better than my miracles.-"_ He exclaimed happily after admiring Raphael work on him despite being told to look forwards and stop flinching. He even dared to stretch the left wing that was slightly sore but manageable, only ruffled feathers remained where before there was a gaping hole with burned feathers surrounding it due to the fact that stars are very hot which is why the star-maker angel is required to wear hard-duty gloves at all times unless he's ordering files at the office.

  
_"- Only if you teach me how to order the countless files of stars, not even a miracle could do that. Really, you can take care of so many all by yourself is...-"_

_"- But you take care of all of us! That is even better! You can't compare me with a star.-"_

  
Good times. Though they would have been better if Crowley had not been condemned to fall, ironically, like a star. Raphael doesn't want to remember it. He really doesn't.

  
"- Here, but I don't want any more guilt coming from you. I'm not a babysitter.-" He scolded while miracling him a pair of shades that Crowley took without hesitation. Being before this tree did bring him some memories of the old times, being here reminded him of the day he met his dear angel for the first time.

  
"- You forget you are taking care of all my stars, doing a lousy job too.-" He chuckled.

  
God. He chuckled. The archangel bit his lip.

  
"- Look...I'm sorry for what happened, you didn't deserve to fall. Sometimes I wish you were given a second chance. You have no idea how much I prayed for your well being, knowing you'd be in hell where I can't...-"

  
"- Keep it, angel. You know I hate ssap-talk.-" Growled Crowley while huffing and looking to the side. What is done is done.

  
"- Hey, don't lower my rank that fast.-"

  
Brat walked out of the bushes fully dressed in white and caught the attention of both of them. The kid was...undeniably cute, despite the snake eyes and the slightly green hair. Automatically, all the anger that Crowley felt towards Brat vanished.

  
"- Let'ss go. I don't like thiss place.-" The child murmured, not higher than knee-length. How old was this vessel? five, six years old? 

  
"- Do you remember where the globe is?-" Asked the archangel to both. Brat nodded. "- Can I bring the apple with me?-" He asked.

  
"- Why do you need that for? -" Exclaimed Crowley, a bit wary of anything.

  
"- I heard a voice inssside my head, told me to take it. Important.-"

  
Crowley blinked. He still remembers what happened before Gabriel kidnapped Brat in front of their eyes, for some reason eating from Godly knowledge gave Brat a connection to HER that only a messenger could have, and unknown powers. By the way Crowley looked at the archangel, Raphael knew the snake demons were not tricking him into a trap, so he silently nodded and snapped his fingers. The apple unplucked itself from the branch and practically flew towards them, but before Crowley could grasp it, Brat bounced forwards and cached it in mid-air.

  
"- I'll take it. You can't touch it. Not yet.-" 

  
"-Ngk.-"

  
Alright, maybe the kid was cute but Brat could be creepy as heck too.

  
When Mikael opened his eyes, he saw his big brother and nearly cried from raw emotion alone but there was no time for tears when Gabriel was in danger. 

  
***

  
The demons that before were outside of Beelzebub's office nailing the windows and scratching the door got tired of hearing the two argue like an old married couple and went back to acting like zombies. They got bored quite quickly.

  
"- I told you this wasn't necessary! -" Gabriel snapped.

  
"- I don't care about what you have to zay, your zztupid plan has failed. You are nothing now.-" Exclaimed Beelzebub with her arms closed, but because her hands were still burned they dangled loosely to avoid touching anything.

  
"- Because of who? A certain snake demon that you summoned from hell knows where?! It was all going perfectly until that thing ruined everything!-"

  
"- I didn't summon him, we discorporated a demon and made it posses the body of a zznake we stole from a zzoo. That thing hazz only half a brain.-"

  
"- I thought you could do better than that. Pathetic.-" Gabriel scoffed.

  
"- You look pathetic.-"

  
"- Then end with it, isn't that your job? At least do SOMEthing right, Lord!-" He exclaimed in a weak attepmt to move, but couldn't do much but shake in place like a leaf. At least he wasn't discorporating so that's something out of the way.

  
"- I don't want to.-"

  
"- _Why?!_ -"

  
"- I enjoy watching you suffer.-"

  
The leader of hell was clearly not enjoying this, her eyes looked at the wall, at anything but Gabriel who was so slow it was now when he started feeling what was going on. His angelic sensitivity was a bit off lately, maybe because of all these trips to hell and back.

  
"- You burned your hands with holy fire you idiot.-" He snapped, yet on his face once again there was plastered that iconic smug smile that made Beelzebub's face red with anger when she face him. If Beelzebub could close her fists, she would, but can't.

  
"- You got bit by a venomouzz snake the sizze of a TWIG! -" She snapped, the ghost of a smile crossed her features for only one second, and Gabriel nearly started cackling by the sight of it if he had not been so exhausted.

  
A few seconds of silence filled in the empty space between them. Gabriel inhaled and exhaled slowly.

  
"- Do you not want to kill me anymore? Is that it? You got tired of trying for a war that's never going to happen, you are telling me that _hell_ lost hope. -"

  
"- You lozzt your title, we lozzt the antichrist. We both keep loozing. The plan is zztupid. This is zztupid.-"

  
The representative leader of hell and the representative leader of heaven stayed in silence for a while, making tense eye contact. Neither of them had an idea, not a good one or a bad one. There was nothing to do now.

  
"- Fair enough.-"

  
For a moment Beelzebub blinked. Was it the delirium speaking, or did Gabriel really give up? She screamed internally for she does not know because there was a sudden knock on the door and because her hands were burned she could not snap her fingers to unlock the door, it hurt too much.

  
"- Oh, brother.-" Gabriel growled, and practically melted his head agaisnt the table to hide the dissapointment of this situation.

  
The door started melting, which means holy water was used to spray the hinges and the lock. Angels do not lock-pick, and aren't allowed to do miracles down here unless they wish to have a serious talk with God herself.

  
The door fell, and behind it stood Raphael and Mikael practically hiding behind him. The younger archangel gasped at the sight of Gabriel, he was sitting against a table and missing half an arm, shaking and pale with feathers practically around him.

Not a nice sight.

  
Beelzebub growled with arms crossed to hide her hands. Today was not her day.

  
"- Excuse us.-" Raphael sighed, now every single zombie demon outside could look and if that wasn't a real embarrassment, then that meant that was only the beginning.

  
"- Make it quick.-" Beelzebub scoffed and looked the other way.

  
"- _You've got so much explaining to do._ -" Raphael mouthed as he practically lifted him up by the good arm despite the wails and winces and pleadings that came afterwards. One can only be so gentle.

  
"- WAITwaitwaitwait I have to tell you one last thing! Our agreement... it's off the table. It's all ineffable.-" Gabriel said between gritted teeth, he could barely keep himself corporated at this point.

  
"- What doezz that mean?-" Exclaimed Beelzebub, slowly uncrossing her arms to allow her hands to fall loosely on the side. The holy scalding took over both palms and all her ten fingers.

  
"- Let go of me.-" Gabriel hissed at the direction of his older brother, but Raphael would not let go of him, he was his only support to keep him standing and he wanted to go home and treat him there as soon as possible.

  
"- But you can't...-"

  
"- **_Let go!_** -" He barked, and pushed him away with the most hate and pain he could muster. Raphael stood there motionless, hurt.

  
Like a zombie, Gabriel walked (waddled) towards the leader of hell, his nemesis, the one he swore war to, and he extended the only hand he had available. He shook, his words quivered.

  
"- Let's call a truce for now, until we come up with something better and we finish with each other on equal terms.-"

  
"- A truce. Is that your bezzt idea?-"

  
"- The only one.-"

  
She held a hand forwards to seal the deal, and the moment they touched, Beelzebub felt a fresh relief take over her wounds made by the holy object she held before. Her eyes opened, the flies around her head panicked. What kind of deal did she agree to? Not only Gabriel made _a miracle_ in hell, but he _healed_ a demon. _In hell_. That was the last straw. He had to speak with HER after all, might as well make every last second worth it before being punished for his actions, he already lost his title as messenger but right now he delivered a last one that really cut deep through those who witnessed this moment. No punishment could be worse than not having done this. He did not want to deal with his brothers, especially not Raphael.

  
Gabriel discorporated right there and then. He dissapeared in a poof of glowing smoke with sparkles that dissipated to nothing. Many demons who were watching "ooh"ed.

  
"- What...what did he do?-" Whined Mikael like a lost puppy, Raphael was dumbfounded, he could not believe this. Not in a million years he would've guessed that Gabriel would sacrifice himself for someone, the leader of demon, of all things. Were they friends? Did he prefer to die other coming back with them? There were so many mixed feelings he couldn't tell.

  
Angels be angels, and the story repeats. The plan is ineffable. This time it wasn't a burning bookshop, but still the damage was similar. The pain, the hurt, it was similar to what Crowley was feeling that day. Raphael noticed. The archangel was perfectly calm because Gabriel did not die, he only took the express ticket to HER and now there's a ton of paperwork to fill up for his absence. What a way to escape healing and some talking-to. Escaping from responsibility is not very typical of Gabriel, but depending on the situation, he can put his forgiving nature at fault. Gabriel was, in way, thankful for the quick thinking of Beelzebub by using the holy sword knowing it wouldn't kill him because it was _holy_.

Beelzebub stared down at her hands now, perfectly healed, and then she screamed. _Loudly_. A truce. Heaven and hell made a truce. 

Gabriel would really be punished for real, now with a reason. She was the reason. As much as Beelzebub wanted to hate the angelic prick for this, she couldn't. For the love of Satan she couldn't

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oof


End file.
